Counseling can help with boundary issues

Dear Dr. LeCrone: I have a friend who I will call Sue. Our relationship is often threatened by the way she attempts to interact with me. If I am seeking privacy (I am a writer and need to be alone when working), she seems to do her best to get my attention and interrupt me.

Then sometimes when we are together, she acts as though I am not even in her presence. I will ask her if she wants me to leave or let her alone, and she will state no, but then she retreats back into her own little world. It seems to me that the problem we have concerns boundaries. Could you discuss this topic?

Dear reader: The place where one person’s world ends and the next individual’s begins is the boundary between them. Knowing how to delineate, describe and protect our boundaries along with understanding and respecting the boundaries of others is part of being an effective human being.

Individuals from families where boundaries are not well-presented or adhered to can develop problems later in life. Extreme examples are found in cases of physical or sexual abuse and neglect. In the case of abuse, the child’s boundaries are grossly violated, producing potential confusion and psychological disturbance both at that time and later in life.

Neglect fails to recognize needs and can give rise to a lack of identity and self-worth in the child. Emotional abuse or neglect can produce the same sort of problems, often in a more subtle but damaging form.

Individuals who have been abused or neglected as children or adolescents often retreat into a shell as an adult. The pain endured earlier in life can cause them to become hypersensitive to such things as disappointment, frustration and rejection.

Rather than being able to face these issues in a healthy, problem-solving manner, they regress and attempt to isolate themselves from the world surrounding them.

Individuals who have a weak sense of who they are and where their boundaries lie, have difficulty in understanding the boundaries of others. They tend to misjudge the needs and feelings of those around them, even those that they love.

When confronted with these difficulties, the individuals with identity problems often becomes bewildered, confused, angry or depressed. In their awkward attempt to make connections, they may come on too strong or quickly retreat and become inaccessible.

Counseling and psychotherapy are often needed to assist the individual with identity and boundary problems. Some of the following suggestions might be helpful for those struggling with this problem:

• If you have difficulty setting boundaries and discouraging individuals from crossing these boundaries, then it may help to learn to be more assertive and discourage others from taking advantage of you.

• Attempt to become more sensitive and aware of how you are perceived by others. Are you too aggressive? Too wishy-washy? Does your poor sense of identity and self-acceptance cause you to see aloof or arrogant? Sometimes a trusted friend can help you see yourself more objectively and understand any boundary problems you may have.

Copyright c 1997 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.