Overbearing boss wearing down employee

Dear Dr. LeCrone: “I am under terrible stress at work because my boss is overbearing, demanding, and often “blows up” when things don’t go his way. My secretary is also a source of stress. She constantly complains, often over little things, and is driving me crazy. Can you help me?”

Your boss sounds like what some authorities describe as an exploder. The exploder throws temper tantrums when they don’t get their way and they are psychologically threatened very easily. They may not be conscious of their tactics, but the end result is that they tend to intimidate others. If they can force their victims into withdrawal or silence, they often get their way.

An exploder may pound on the desk, shout and scream or even throw things. This aggressive and obnoxious behavior creates morale problems for others, forcing others to walk on egg shells to prevent another outburst.

What is the strategy for coping with an exploder?

Seek ways to calm down the exploder.
Divert the exploder’s attention with a planned interruption, such as, “Let’s take a break for coffee and discuss this when we get back.” Or, “Calm down, I think I can understand what you are trying to say much better that way.”
To break the spell during the tantrum, you must get the attention of the exploder. You may even have to yell, “Stop.”
Once you have stopped the explosion, draw the exploder aside and continue the conversation in privacy.

Your secretary sounds like another type of difficult person, the “complainer.”

The complainer is a chronic griper who can wear you down by their whiney, negative, pessimistic outlook. This person can also lower the morale of the office or organization and end up causing disruption.

To cope with complainers you first must understand what lies behind their complaint. Usually, complainers are seemingly weak people who are not in charge of their own life. They can’t make things happen for themselves. They simply think that good things come to other people from favors or good luck. Frequently, the complainer has poor self-esteem.

To cope with a complainer, you must listen attentively. This not only helps the complainer get their frustration out in the open, but it also provides you with enough detail to help.
Acknowledge that you understand the complainer without agreeing with them.
Move quickly into problem solving with the complainer. Be prepared to interrupt and state facts. Keep in mind the complainer is prone to exaggeration, distortion, and overgeneralizing. Be prepared to counter these tendencies and help the complainer work toward solutions.
Break the cycle of accusation, defense and reaccusation. Otherwise, the complainer will get you bogged down. Don’t let the complainer waste time and patience by restating a problem over and over.

Good luck with your exploder and complainer.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2001