The ‘hostile heart’ can be helped

Last week I discussed anger, and in particular, individuals who possess certain personality characteristics that make them prone to experiencing a lot of hostility.

Many authorities feel that hostility and anger can be fatal over time and in certain individuals. Most recent research on the Type A personality indicates that hostility, particularly when driven by a cynical mistrust of others, can lead to serious health consequences.

This type of individuals has a chronic suspicion of the motives of those around him, often those he doesn’t even know. He frequently feels that his driven need to control, succeed and have things go his way is thwarted by individuals with some conscious or unconscious motive. This cynical mistrust of others is often the cause of a quick loss of temper. The individual may have a short fuse and may be described by some professional as a “hot reactor.”

Mental health professionals have speculated on what causes people to feel this way and have come up with several possible reasons:

• Self-centeredness – the conscious or unconscious belief that everything should go their way because of some “assumed” elevation of life.

• Poor self-esteem or concern that anything less than perfect is a reflection on them. When things don’t go as they should, they believe it reflects poorly on them and what people might think of them.

• Those chronically frustrated or mistreated early in life and abused individuals may typically respond by having little control over their emotions and impulses.

There are many possible explanations and reasons for the “hostile heart.” If this is a problem for you or someone you know, you may want to consider the following suggestions for dealing wit this difficulty.

• Admit the problem exists. Denial is a frequent companion to the problem. In order to get help, a person must first admit that help is needed.

• Learn to be more trusting. This frequently means learning to be less in need of control. “Control freaks” have the compulsive need to make everything work the way they want it to work. This is impossible. Control freaks become so chronically frustrated they lose all objectivity in life, turning things into a vicious cycle including mistrust of others. Learning to trust often starts with learning to decrease the need for control of everything and everyone.

• Develop a sense of humor. Learn to laugh at yourself. When you find yourself beginning to feel uptight, hostile, suspicious and distrusting, stop the thought right there.

• In situations where you do need to stick up for yourself, be assertive, no aggressive. Become forthright and rational. Speak up. Being assertive is not being offensive.

• Try to see the other person’s point of view. Often there is a logical reason for their actions. Maybe they have problems, too. Maybe they can’t handle a situation as well as you can. Learn to be more tolerant of imperfections of others by practicing “catching” yourself before the hostility becomes full-blown and out of control.

• Learn to be more forgiving. Forgiveness can dampen and override a great deal of hostility. Sometimes it is difficult and takes time, but it can be a very effective and a necessary part of healing the “hostile heart.”

Copyright c 1991 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.