When to tell someone I’m sorry

Appropriate apologies enrich relationships, but inappropriate apologies damage personal self-esteem and relationships.

Following are some simple guidelines for distinguishing between times to say, “I’m sorry” and times to take a better look at the situation.

Make apologies complete enough to convey what you mean. Let the apology include remedial action if possible.

For example: “I’m sorry I forgot my appointment with you. Let me do something to offset the inconvenience I caused.” Or “I’m sorry the service I provided did not meet our expectations. Things did not go as I had planned; so, let me offer you a redo at no cost.” Another example might be: “I’m sorry the things you hired me to do didn’t go well. Let me personally explain to your boss what happened so he won’t think it was your fault.”

Learn how to receive apologies and acknowledge them in a healthy fashion. Giving apologies frequently requires a lot of energy and is often difficult. The receiver of the apology should be able to respond to an apology by telling the giver he acknowledges the apology and appreciates his concern.

It often helps the giver of the apology feel more comfortable if the receiver makes statements like: “I’m sure that took a lot of effort on your part. I appreciate very much your acknowledging your wrongdoing.” Such statements reinforce the giver’s belief that he did the correct thing.

Do not delay an apology when one is due. Putting it off may give the receiver of the apology reason to question the giver’s sincerity.

Don’t forget to apologize to your children when you make a mistake. Parents frequently think it is wrong to say “I’m sorry” when they are clearly in the wrong. This is a significant error in parent/child communication. Make the apology clear, concise and free from double messages.

Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but if such and such had not happened I wouldn’t have done what I did.” That neutralizes or dilutes the apology and again brings sincerity in question. Not accepting the blame squarely can cause further problems in the relationship.

A frequent problem with making apologies is that often no distinction is made between the feelings an individual’s actions may have produced in another individual and the behavior itself. For example, an individual can be sincerely sorry for having hurt another individual or caused him discomfort, but not be apologetic for the behavior that led to these feelings.

Having to fire someone at work often causes pain. The employer is genuinely sorry that these feelings are attached to the termination, but should be able to separate out the fact that termination may have been necessary and that there are no alternatives.

In such situations, try statements such as: “I’m very sorry about how you must feel and I wish there were other ways we could hand this, but...”

An apology and admission of mistake is one sign of maturity that can help instill respect in the giver of the apology.

False pride can stand in the way of making necessary apologies. Most of us know the harmful effects of this, but frequently have trouble applying our knowledge to ourselves. Examine your own ego and see if you have some real hang-ups that are causing difficulties in communication.

Between husband and wife, truthfully saying “I’m worry” can be one of the cornerstones of a sound marriage.

The two-word phrase, “I’m sorry,” along with others such as “thank you,” can be effective in enriching and helping our relationships with friends, relatives, employers and employees. Knowing when to apologize and doing so is one sign of a healthy, mature individual.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987