A method for coming to terms with the past

Is there some period in your life that bothers you? A situation you feel that had you coped better or made wiser decisions the outcome would have been better? Is so, you may want to record your feelings and thoughts about this particular event.

Begin by listing your thoughts, feelings and actions. Don’t worry about arranging things in order; just put down what you remember about the situation.

When you have written or recorded on tape as much as you can remember, try to see a pattern of how you viewed this portion of your life. Writing or recording about a troubling event can be cathartic and can free the mid of emotional baggage.

A person can write or talk about a particular aspect of life, such as divorce, separation, death, illness, loss of status or loss of a job, or any event construed by the mind to mean failure. Some examples:

• Mary suffered guilt from when her teen-age son was arrested for drug use. She felt she had been too severe in her condemnation of him, that she had somehow been responsible for his actions and could have prevented this episode and the embarrassment it caused the entire family. She regretted the resulting estrangement with her son.

Mary began by talking into a tape recorder, freely expressing the emotions and feelings she had at the time of the arrest. She was totally honest about her emotions.

Outlining the actions as best she remembered them, she reviewed how she had encouraged her son to avoid peers who might influence him, how she had talked to him about the dangers of drugs, how she had even tried to get him into counseling. When she compared her view of the event with the actual facts, she realized that steps had been taken to keep her son out of trouble, but that peer pressure was the greatest threat.

She set goals to keep the lines of communication open and to help her son get on with his life.

• Tom was fired from a job he had held the 25 years in the same plant where his father had also worked. Although he has moved on to another career, he stills feels hostile toward the people at the plant and is convinced he was targeted by people who were unreasonable and unfair.

Torn, too, began by recording all the thoughts he had prior to his termination: the good times, the people he enjoyed working with, the status of the plant. Then he concentrated on the firing and his feelings and thoughts about the separation and the settlement he received.

After fully exploring his thoughts and feeling sand comparing them with the facts contained in documents. Tom received insights that he had ignored. He came to terms with this troubling event and was able to discard many bad feelings.

Writing or talking about past events helps clarify time, place and actions and may help a person by revealing that he or she made the best decision possible at the time. Or it can help a person view the vent with better insight and progress toward another goal.

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.