Communication key to good parenting

Now that summer is over and school has started in most parts of the country, families resume some of the routines that are necessary when their children attend school. This is an excellent time for parents to review their parenting skills. Healthy family lifestyles are based upon effective communication between parent and child which includes both verbal and non-verbal forms of communication. Lack of eye contact when talking with the child, barking orders from behind a newspaper or magazine and listening to the child’s request while watching a TV program are all examples of poor communication skills. Communication styles develop over time and often follow the patterns developed in ones family of origin. Screamers and shouters beget screamers and shouters. Kindness and consideration received from a parent when growing up is likely to be transferred on to one’s children.

Following are some suggestions that parents might want to review in their assessment of their own family communication patterns:

• Avoid giving your child love, acceptance and approval based on their accomplishments. Statements like “I love you so much when you show that you’re an outstanding student” can send a very unhealthy message as can “I’m so proud of you because you are so pretty”. These messages can give the child the feeling that without making good grades or looking pretty, they will not be loved, creating uncertainty and insecurity.

• Don’t compare your child’s behavior to that of other children as a means of attempting to motivate them. For example “your older brother always made good grades and was successful in school” or “other children your age keep their rooms clean and cooperate with their parents”. Your child can develop resentment and negative feelings toward others when compared to them.

• Avoid using the so-called “stroke and kick” method. Don’t compliment your child on something and then turn around and berate them for something else. For example “you look good today but your room is a mess”. The positive effect of the compliment is lost by adding a negative caveat.

• Become an active listener to your child. Try to hear his feelings as well as his words. Preoccupation, “rushed” listening and responding with only yes’s and nos won’t achieve the desired results. I’m convinced that listening – really listening – to what a child has to say is one of the most powerful ways we can show respect to our children.

• Keep your promises – teach your children that they can trust you. This includes being consistent about limits and consequences.

• Avoid attempting to manipulate your child by complimenting on some past behavior and expecting it to produce results in the present. For example “you used to be such a good student” or “you used to be so sweet and nice, what happened?”

In future columns I will return to communication techniques with children.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1999