Children need reassurance during divorce

Divorce can be very stressful for all of those involved, especially children. Children are often very aware of their parents’ unhappiness but in spite of this, divorce is often a shock. Much like many other situations in which traumatic loss occurs, children hope for and even fantasize a resolution to their parents’ problems. In an absence of reconciliation, shock often turns to anger, resentment and even depression. These stages of grief and loss do not occur in the same manner or time frame for every child making a less than predictable response for the parents to deal with.

Many children, especially younger ones, may suffer from guilt feelings when parents are divorcing. They fear they may have somehow caused the problem. And since they fear they were responsible, they may try to assume the responsibility of correcting the situation striving with all means and measures they can muster to reunite mother and dad. It is not uncommon for children to resort to rebellion and overtly negative behaviors in an attempt to gain the attention of both parents and somehow make them reverse their decision about divorce.

Following are some suggestions for parents when divorce will affect their children:

• When parents decide that the divorce is inevitable they should reassure their children that they will be taken care of and not abandoned. Let them know that they will always be loved by both the father and mother.

• Don’t try to deny the child their feelings. Allow them to talk about feelings of sadness, anger, depression and disbelief without criticism. Doing this can help the child adjust to the changes that they face.

• Children in stressful situations like divorce often begin to experience problems in school, relationships with friends and other family members. The child may have less energy and interest in schoolwork and a decline in academic performance is not uncommon. Sometimes letting the child’s teacher or counselor know of the family changes can be helpful in dealing with this stressful time in the child’s life.

• If at all possible, do not uproot your children. Stability in their living environment, school, and friendships can help reduce the trauma of divorce.

• Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former spouse. Doing so can cause many conflicting feelings adding to the stress that the child is already experiencing.

• Do not compete for your children’s love. Doing so detracts from the possibility of child having a healthy relationship with both parents.

• Parents need to remember that adjusting to a divorce is an ongoing process. Positive results do not occur overnight and require hard work on the part of both parents. A parent suffering from bitterness, long-term anger and a lack of desire to move ahead and seek a new healthy life may need counseling.

Give your child a chance to grow emotionally in a healthy fashion by not making your problems, their problems.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1999