Helping children adjust after divorce

Ask almost any kids and they will tell you that the best solution for divorce is for their parents to get back together. In fact, for most kids of divorced parents, it is their fondest wish.

Realistically, this usually doesn’t happen. So, children of divorce have to adjust to new living patterns- sometimes with a stepparent and new siblings, while sharing time with both parents.

Since in many instances the mother becomes the primary caregiver, kids find it a little harder to maintain the relationship with their father that they would like. And fathers say keeping in touch and staying involved with their children is difficult for them.

Sometimes the father may assume the idea that staying out of the way is best. Or they may have limited visitation rights that prevent a continual ongoing relationship. In time, they may feel left out of important decisions and feel that their only contribution to the relationship is child support. Even if they don’t, they may have such limited contact with the child that the only time together is spent in some form of entertainment.

Here are some facts which may help both father and child:

• First of all, let all fathers and kids know that even though a divorce has occurred, a child needs both parents. A man may leave his wife, but he doesn’t need to leave his children. Parents should give the children an explanation which may sound something like this: “Your mother and I are not going to be married anymore, but I am still going to be your father and she is still going to be your mother. You can count on me. I will be there when you need me.”

• Tell the children what the arrangement for seeing one another will be. You may even want to get them to keep a calendar in their room so that days set aside for time with either parent will be clearly in view. Dad may say: “You will be with me these days each month…”

• Though it may seem awkward at first, keep the lines of communication open. Answer questions as truthfully and honestly as you can without casting the blame at the other parent. After having given the children an explanation of the reasons for the divorce, you may be called upon to talk about it again and again as they continue pressing for answers and coming to acceptance with the new terms of their lives.

• Keep in mind that the biggest fear of the child is abandonment by both parents. Reinforce the fact that they still have two parents- a father and a mother who continue to love them and care for them.