Helping Children Through the Divorce of their Parents

Children often respond to the news that their parents are divorcing with a variety of negative emotions and feelings. Initially, a response to the news of divorce may be shock, denial, and disbelief. Later, their emotions may turn to anger, anxiety, and/or depression. It is not uncommon for bitterness, resentment, or numbness to emerge as the reality of the parent’s permanent separation sinks in.

Following are some suggestions which may be helpful in assisting a child through divorce:

• Encourage children to talk but don’t force them to do so. Sometimes reading stories about families and divorce can be therapeutic. The child’s school counselor or school psychologist may also be consulted as the child may have less energy and interest in schoolwork.

• Parents need to be diligent in maintaining as much balance as possible in the family while going through a divorce. Healthy routines at mealtime, bedtime, and during homework and leisure activities need to be as undisturbed as possible.

• During and for a period of time after a divorce, try to avoid as many major changes as possible. Moving, changing jobs, changing schools and disturbing patterns in the child’s friendships are often inadvisable.

• Parents need to reassure their children that their welfare is always their first
consideration and that divorce does not mean abandonment, and/or ongoing warfare between divorcing parents.

• Don’t use the children as messengers between the separating and later divorced parents. Doing so can cause many conflicting feelings while adding to the stress that the child is already experiencing.

• Don’t use the children as “bargaining chips” to withhold support payment,
visitations, or as attempts at “pay back” between warring parents.

• Children of all ages need continual reassurance that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. Give the child a chance to grow emotionally in a healthy fashion by not making the parents’ problems, the child’s problems.

Parents need to remember that adjusting to a divorce is an ongoing process that can’t be accomplished overnight. Moving ahead in life after divorce requires hard work on the part of both parents. Parents who are unable to handle their own emotional anguish may need professional counseling both during and after the divorce as much as their children may need extra help at this stressful time.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2003