Sibling Rivalry

A reader recently wrote:

“My three children, ages 4, 7, and 9, constantly fight over everything from their toys to who sits in what seat in the family car. I am growing tired of being the referee of their fights. What is a parent to do?”

Dear reader: Let me first reassure you that sibling rivalry is normal. However, children do need to learn to negotiate and build cooperative relationships.

Instead of reacting in frustration, parents can be pro-active and discontinue being referees. Instead, help children learn how to work out disagreements between themselves. Good negotiating skills will be increasingly important as children grow older.

The following are some suggestions for parents who want to help better handle sibling fights and rivalries:

• Demonstrate healthy relationships. In your own relationship, demonstrate how to get along with your family, friends, and co-workers. Children learn from parents how to behave, so set a good example.

• Do not take sides or try to simply make things “fair.” Meet each child’s needs individually and avoid trying to step in to an argument without knowing the whole story.

• Do not compare children. Asking one child to model the behavior of another child can result in resentment and create a spirit of competition rather than cooperation.

• Be consistent. Don’t settle one situation one way and the next another. Constantly reinforce the value of negotiation and cooperation.

• Stay calm. When parents react in anger towards disputing children, they are promoting the very thing they are trying to change. Think about your reactions and how your children will perceive your own skills of communication and negotiation.

• Talk about feelings. Spend time discussing feelings with your children and encourage them to learn how to communicate these feelings. Some younger children are not certain how to express what they feel, but parents can encourage how to positively communicate feelings rather than permit temper tantrums.

• Set boundaries. Children need to know how to solve problems in an appropriate and productive manner. Teach children which reactions and types of expression are inappropriate (hitting, screaming) and reinforce positive types of expression (negotiation, cooperation).

Parents do not have to be referees and children need to learn how to negotiate. Teach your children how to solve conflicts among themselves and model this in your own life as well.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 2003