Don’t acquiesce to your child’s tantrums

Parenting is difficult and there is no wonder that the marketplace is filled with books and tapes and videos on the subject, many or all of which contain volumes on the subject of discipline.

Parents want to be loved and respected. They also want the child to be obedient, pliable, and trusting. When the relationship between parent and child gets off course, a struggle results. That struggle often begins with the child's discovery of the vulnerability of the parent.

Mary wanted a piece of candy when she got up from her afternoon nap. Her mother told her she could only have a snack of fruit. Mary threw herself on the bed and began crying. After refusing to get up, she pouted and wouldn't come out of her room. Wanting Mary to love her and make amends, the parent took her a piece of candy. Mary smiled and hugged and kissed her mother. An easy battle was won, Mary learned, and the next time she wanted something she was told she couldn't have, she remembered that this tactic had worked successfully and so she resorted to crying and pouting again and again.

Jim picked up a toy in the supermarket that he had seen that morning on a TV show. When he placed it in the basket, his parent told him he wasn't buying it. He stamped his foot, threatened to overturn the basket, and caused quite a scene. Embarrassed and wanting a quick way to stop the tantrum, the parent relented and let him put the toy back in the basket. Jim, who has just learned how to manipulate his dad, now told him how much he loved him and that he was the best daddy in the world. Meanwhile, what had happened to the loving and caring parents? Having revealed that they were human and vulnerable, they had allowed the children to manipulate them.

Here are some areas parents are vulnerable and often are taken advantage of by their child.

• Tears. Most parents feel that they have to comfort a child anytime they see tears falling. Children quickly learn to turn tears off and on. Many adults also find that tears will win a battle for them.

• Harmony. Most parents crave harmony in the household as well as presenting a picture of a harmonious family to the world. They will buckle and surrender to risk conflict.

• Affection. Most parents want their children to tell them they love them and to show affection. Most of the time a hug or a kiss will melt away any feelings of displeasure.

• Approval. Most parents want the approval of not only their family and friends but also of the outside world. If they think they are not liked by someone, or believe that anyone will criticize their parenting style, they will give in.

• Conformity. Most parents want to do what is the accepted norm and will be influenced by the parents of other peers.

So what can a parent do to keep their vulnerable emotions in tact and make good decisions about discipline? Be aware of the feelings that you have that make you vulnerable and don't let them interfere with the parameters of healthy parenting. When this happens, your child will begin to make better choices for his or her behavior. The best time to stop a problem behavior is the first time. When you say no candy, don't change. When you say no toy, don't relent. The child quickly learns that pouting and throwing a tantrum is not acceptable behavior. Remember that a well-liked person may be easily manipulated but will not necessarily be well-respected.

Copyright c 1997 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.