Looking beyond a child’s misbehavior

As parents we set limits, spell out the consequences, and still we are dismayed that our children continue to misbehave.

So it may be time to look at the goals of misbehavior – why children act the way they do – and to understand that the underlying cause of all behavior is to get something we want.

A young child who wants a toy at the store is told he can’t have it. So he chooses to throw a tantrum right in the middle of the floor. Inexperienced parents may relent and give him the toy. They do so to avoid embarrassment or because they want to please the child. But they have not helped the child change his behavior.

Because that tantrum behavior worked for the child and he got the toy he wanted, he may try the same behavior in the future when he wants something else.

A child who has been hurt by others may feel she must get even. If she strikes out and does not have to suffer the consequences, she may repeat this hitting behavior. In this instance, a parent can encourage the child to find forgiveness and work out differences without verbal or physical retaliation, to seek other behaviors.

Psychologists and psychiatrists have defined the goals of misbehavior. Alfred Adler said the four goals of misbehavior are attention, revenge, power and assumed disability. William Glasser says all behavior is chosen behavior and a person may repeat a behavior over and over until he finds a better behavior to get what he wants. All behavior, he says, is to satisfy basic needs that all human have: the need for love and belonging, the need for power or achievement, for fun, for freedom and for survival.

Parents who want to understand their children and understand why they misbehave should take the time to look beneath the behavior and look for the goal the child is seeking.

Children are growing and learning each day and will make mistakes in their chosen behaviors. Parents can help my calmly encouraging children to seek better behavior. Let them know it is OK to make a mistake that we learn from experience. Don’t fight or argue with the child. Instead encourage children by pointing out all successes, regardless of whether it is a small or large achievement.

For instance, a child may be craving attention and affection, yet you are busy. Instead of telling the child to find something to do and leave you alone, suggest alternatives. Say, would you like to do your homework now and we can play your new game after dinner? Or, if you could help me now, we both would finish in time to watch the TV movie together.

If an adolescent chooses a self-destructing behavior, like abuse of drugs or alcohol, the parent may look beneath that behavior and try to understand what the child really wants and help the child find a better way to reach that goal.