Couples must learn to communicate

Since lack of communication skills is a major factor in the breakup of many marriages, it is advisable for couples to build premarital communication skills to avert this tragedy.

Unfortunately, real communication is difficult to master and the recognition of its importance in an intimate relationship often is neglected in the thrill of physical attraction and the dating game.

The period of serious dating and engagement is a good time to lay the foundation for the process of transmitting feelings, attitudes, needs, beliefs and ideas.

While most couples wish to put their best foot forward and strive only to please, it is imperative to be one’s true self in the courtship period. Verbal and non-verbal expressions should be analyzed to convey feelings; both send messages. If couples seriously consider marriage, they should:

• Act like friends and companions. Share a portion of each day talking with each other learning to be good and “active” listeners. By tuning out distractions and really listening to what the partner says, they can discover areas of mutual interest. While opposites may attract, it is the many areas of share concerns that will build a firm marriage foundation.

• Work and play together. The moonlight hours may be the only time you see your partner, but the daytime chores of cleaning the house, handling money matters, buying groceries and assuming responsibilities of daily life are the nitty-gritty of the relationship. You have to communicate your likes and dislikes in the humdrum areas of marriage.

• Share your feelings. Many couples complain they never know what the other partner is thinking. So ask ahead of time what your partner feels, believes, wants, needs and worries about. What is important – success and recognition, money and power, peace and harmony?

• What do you think about family life? Verbal communication about sex helps couples understand their expectations, needs and desires. Do you both like children? Whether you will live near them or across the country, the in-laws will be a part of your family. Do you like a clannish group or prefer to keep to yourself?

• What are your spiritual beliefs? Do you share the same religion or do you prefer not to commit yourself in this respect?

• Can you allow your partner to have individuality? Remember that each person is unique with combinations of talents and abilities unlike any other. Encourage your partner to keep that individuality.

• Learn to fight. Handle the conflicts between you in privacy. But get your feelings out in the open, then settle the matter. A constructive argument will strengthen the relationship and air hidden views.

• Never hold a grudge. Compromise is usually necessary, but empathy works to remove latent anger. Being able to empathize or feel another person’s experience helps see the world from the other person’s point of view. And that is a good communication skills.

• When you feel you and your partner have developed good communication skills and feel qualified to meet the final test, answer these questions individually and privately. If you feel you can communicate by sharing your answers, you probably have begun to really communicate.

• The thing I like most about my partner is….
• The think I like least about my partner is…
• The hardest subject to discuss has been…
• I am angry when…
• The thing that puzzles me the most about my partner is…