Wedding bells are ringing and couples about to approach the altar are seeking advice about ways to increase the likelihood of a healthy marriage.
Although many factors contribute, premarital counseling forces couples to consider subjects they may have overlooked. Many professionals – ministers, marriage counselors, mental health professionals and social service agencies – agree the following topics should be decided upon before the wedding date:
• Exploration of goals, career expectations and financial plans. Many couples never have discussed how finances will be handled. Will there be two incomes, pooled or separate accounts? Will the husband and wife both work indefinitely, or is a time frame established for one partner to stay at home? Clear expectations and open communication on this topic are necessary from the first day of marriage.
• Relationships with in-laws. Will holidays be spent with the wife’s family, the husband’s or will the couple alternate? Do future in-laws plan to be available for counseling only when asked? Will they encourage independence and a hands-off approach otherwise?
• Church and religious affiliation. Will the couple attend the bride’s church, the groom’s church, or seek a new church? Are there religious backgrounds similar or different? Marriage between people of divergent backgrounds can be difficult. How involved in church activities will the couple be? How important is spiritual direction in this marriage?
• Family planning. Does the couple plan children in the near future, or do they wish to postpone this part of their life for several years? What is their idea of an ideal family size? What is large, and what is small? What is each person’s philosophy on disciplining children?
• Everyday chores and responsibilities. Who will service the car or cars? Who will balance the checkbook? Who will maintain the yard? Who likes a home cooked meal, and who prefers to dine out? Who is tidy, and who doesn’t mind clutter? Conflicts arise in the early years of marriage when these daily duties have not been provided for.
• Sexual compatibility. Many unrealistic expectations and beliefs are found in this intimate area of marriage. Counselors say it is surprising how many couples have not been able to discuss this topic before they marry.
Spending time with a qualified premarital counselor is a wonderful investment in a couple’s future. My wife and I spent several sessions with a minister who married us almost 25 years ago. I still remember clearly many of the things we talked about.
Intense emotional feelings between a young man and a woman often are unfortunately about the only ingredients upon which their future marriage is based. But looking at other factors can enhance the changes the marriage will be healthy, happy and lifelong.
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I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
