Factors to consider before saying ‘I do’

Late spring and early summer are popular times for the exchange of marriage vows for many couples in this country.

The effort spent by many on choosing a wedding gown, a place for a honeymoon, flowers, pictures, videos, planning bridal showers and all the other details involved in planning a wedding would seem to indicate a high premium and commitment to marriage.

At the same time, how much time do most couples spend talking about issues that will affect their relationships after they exchange vows?

Things that will affect their life together include attitudes and feelings about finances, religion, relationships with in-laws, attitudes about having and raising children, dividing household chores and managing incomes, how they will spend leisure time, sexual compatibility, friends, etc.

My experience during 26 years of counseling has led me to some of the following conclusions.

Let me emphasize that these are my opinions and may not bear the weight of scrutiny under research. Because, yes, every relationship is unique.

• In general, couples with similar socio-economic backgrounds, values, interests, expectations and goals for the future tend to have a better chance of making the marriage last. The families they come from tend to view life in more or less similar ways. These shared family experiences lead them to view life in much the same way.

• Couples who wait until their mid 20s or older to get married may bring to the marriage a higher level of maturity. Although age does not assure maturity, the individuals in the relationship may be more likely to have “settled down” and be ready for a stable commitment to another person.

• Couples who are involve din an exclusive relationship that lasts for a year or more tend to learn more about what their potential spouse is “really like.” This is another general observation and certainly does not hold true in all cases.

• Couples who spend time talking about how they will approach the elements of marriage mentioned above and who work out compromises go into the marriage contract with a better understanding of their partner’s needs and wants.

Premarital counseling, often performed by ministers or other professionals, can assist with this.

• Couples who view each other as best friends prior to marriage seem to increase the likelihood that the marriage will survive and even thrive. On the other hand, relationships that struggle with power and control issues or with issues of intimacy and autonomy are less likely to be lasting.

If you are planning a marriage this spring or summer, consider talking with someone experienced in counseling.

Premarital counseling often helps build a firmer foundation for this life-long commitment to each other.