How to turn around a bad relationship

Last week we discussed the courtship, marriage and heartache that Mary encountered when she married a man who can not or will not be an equal partner in a relationship.

What could Mary have done to save some of the discomfort and loss of self-esteem that she suffered?

• She could have assessed the strengths and weaknesses of a potential partner, such as John, before tying the knot. Premarital counseling is often very helpful in looking objectively at marriage. Often counseling can help people see potential problems before they develop.

• Although this type of man is frequently difficult to help because of lack of insight into his own behavior and a perceived need for change, he can sometimes be reached through qualified counseling.

• If cutting her losses and getting out of a marriage was not the solution Mary wanted, then strengthening of her self-esteem and developing sources of support and positive experiences outside the marriage was essential. Sometimes going back to work or school will provide a source of intellectual stimulation that can neutralize the degrading influences of this kind of husband. Other times the support of friends, church or family can outweigh the negative influences.

Either way, developing a plan is essential. If there is to be a pull-up from a nosedive, a strategy must be developed and followed.

• Contact with caring supportive friends who give no advice is important.

• Recognize that the act of assertion (standing up for yourself without attacking your spouse), is often met initially by silence, anger, or guilt producing actions.

• Use the "stroke and kick" method of confronting. For instance, rather than saying, "You're cold and insensitive," you might say, "Our relationship is important to me, but when I am constantly criticized I tend to avoid you more and more." Or, "I care a great deal about our marriage, but I get very discouraged when I feel constantly criticized."

By prefacing your statement about changes you wish to see with a positive comment, you decrease the chances that your observations will be taken personally. You then increase the likelihood of improved communication.

• If you make the decision to remain in the marriage and your spouse does not seem willing to modify his emotionally abusive behavior, remember that "the less you love him, the easier it is to love him." This paradoxical statement implies that the less dependent you are on your spouse for your sense of self-esteem, the easier it will be to recognize his inner struggles, to appreciate his talents and to maintain your own emotional well-being.

Mary chose to stay in the marriage. With the support of her friends and family, she regained her self-esteem and self-confidence. With the help of counseling, she learned to communicate the positive ideas she wished to convey to her spouse. She became accomplished in being assertive. She urged John to seek counseling and to look at ways to improve their relationship. Mary improved her life and became a whole person again. She hoped John would.