Keeping in touch with kids in the teen years

Most parents of teen-agers have experienced a time when your teens walked away from you at the mall to join their friends and looked the other way or stared at you without a glimmer of recognition when you met up with them.

Or maybe at a restaurant for dinner they didn’t want to sit with you because some of their buddies were present. Or maybe some friends came to the house and you weren’t introduced because your hair was in rollers and you wore no makeup. They may even tell you what to wear to the school’s open house.

Adolescence is a time of much sensitivity, of being easily embarrassed, of wanting to be liked by peers and fearing ridicule if you are the least bit different. Adolescents are very much aware of differences in backgrounds, of physical appearances, of mannerisms. They constantly are checking themselves, their siblings and their parents to see how they measure up.

Here are ways you can stay in touch with the teen-agers and his or her friends and not rock the boat of family harmony.

• Treat your teen-ager’s friends with cordiality and respect, but wait for their signal to be part of their group.
• As far as showing affection to your teen-ager, let them give you the hugs and kisses. You can respond when they are ready.
• Call them by the same name they use with their friends, not your pet nickname.
• Don’t tell stories about their accomplishments or lack of accomplishments to their friends. Save your praise or criticism for the family hour.
• Don’t initiate a conversation by asking their friends what they have been doing, where they are going or what they think about an issue. In other words, don’t put them through the third degree.
• Save your antics and goofy behaviors for times when their friends aren’t around. You may like to sing out loud when you’re driving down a freeway, or you and your wife may like to cha cha or rock and roll. Save those for private showings.
• Once the friends are used to being in your home or being with your family on picnic or at a party, you can loosen up a bit and relax. That’s after those important first impressions. After you have won their hearts, they will think you’re a terrific sport. That’s also after you have gained their respect and confidence.
• Think back to your teen-age years. What do you remember your parents doing that made you cringe?
• Above all, don’t take your kid’s rejection to heart. Some of them may show anger if you really embarrass them. Others may just shy away and stay away.

Teen-agers are supersensitive because they want the world to know they have great parents and any deviation from this image can be a source of sheer mortification.

Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open. Stay close when they need you. Keep your distance when you have to.