Improving relations with your children

How about you and the kids?
We’re OK, but I wish things were better.

What do you mean by better?
Well, they seem to live in a world of their own. They don’t participate in family activities much anymore.

What do you expect from them?
They should help around the house, willingly go to church with us and at least talk to us about their school day and their friends.

What guidelines have you set?
Well, they used to put out the garbage, unload the dishwasher, make their bed and keep their room straight.

When did this stop?
Well, they still do it occasionally, but most of the time we have to remind them, maybe nag them or even bribe them.

Have you discussed this with them?
Well, we tell them they need to do their share of the work.

Have you named specific work to be done?
No. It seems to me they should do what needs to be done.

What are the ages of your children?
Tom is 15, Mary is 13.

Do they have interests and activities outside of the home?
Yes. Tom is in athletics and Mary takes music lessons. They go to school events and like to meet their friends at the mall.

In other words they are growing up and their life is changing.
Definitely.

Many parents want the family unit to remain static, for the routine to remain the same. Instead, the family units is in constant flux, and routines change as its members experience growth and begin to make their own decisions, branch out to seek new interests, set new goals and distance themselves a little more as they move toward adulthood.

Somewhere along the way, parents forget that each stage of child development is not only a time for celebration, but a time to assess the child’s needs. It’s a time to acknowledge and to celebrate achievement and to include children in the decision-making process.

This is especially true in the teen and pre-teen years, when children are going through all kinds of changes both physically and emotionally.

• To establish rapport with your child, you need to walk in their shoes and see things the way they do. Try to remember what it was like when you were that age, then observe their peers and form a new perspective. Be active in their school, keep alive in news about teen programs, listen to music, see movies and videos they like. Learn their language. This doesn’t mean changing your values. It doesn’t mean taking a look at the world they perceive as the real world.
• Do you have a schedule for the entire family designed from a democratic system? Don’t make waves over small things that may be neglected, but do emphasize that this is a team effort.

Then when you are asked; How about you and the kids? Answer, “We’re working on it.”