Teaching kids to cope with life’s adversities

While thumbing through a book of children’s stories recently, I came across the store of the princess who could not sleep because there was a pea under her mattress.

I began thinking about how often we as parents attempt to insulate our children from adversity and hardship, and in doing so detract from their future ability to cope with life’s problems. Our intent, of course, is not to shield them from the minor discomfort of a pea, but to protect them from the jagged boulders of life that we fear they will encounter and be injured by.

What happens though is that the little prince or princess grows up with so little exposure to the real world that they become shocked, dismayed and incapacitated when they encounter life on their own terms. And in today’s world, the boulders seem larger and more jagged than ever.

With all our knowledge and specialized fields, society doesn’t seem to have a grip on the problem. On the one hand, we have parents who are poorly equipped to protect their children from harm’s way and who need our compassion and assistance as a society. On the other hand, we have parents who are equipped, who care and who assume a protective role to an unhealthy degree. Neither are preparing children from the world in which they will life.

As a parent I know all too well how often the decisions about these boundaries are lacking. As the old saying goes, the trick is knowing how much salt there is in a pinch. Too much and the stew is not fit to eat, too little and it’ll hug the pot forever.

Here are some suggestions for helping your child tolerate not only the peas they will feel, but also prevent them from being injured by jagged boulders they may encounter.

• Teach your child that the values, morals and behaviors they see in the world around them are not necessarily yours and should not be theirs. Make sure you provide healthy parental examples.

• Let your child know that you decide on acceptable limits and boundaries. Not the media, not their peers, nor other families.

• Resist the temptation to shield and protect them from too much of life’s adversities. Discuss with them the issues you know they are aware of.

• Be available for advice, but as they mature let them explore options and learn to make decisions.

• Be aware of tendencies to keep them tied to your apron strings because of your own insecurity or need for control. Don’t overreact to painful experiences that inevitably occur in a child’s life. A scratched knee is not a catastrophe. A broken toy does not always have to be replaced. A failing grade is not a disaster. Making mountains out of mole hills can create hypersensitivity to adversity in your child.

• Help your child learn to put frustration, disappointment and tragedy in the proper perspective. Many shoes are tight until they are broken in. The pea beneath the mattress may just take a little getting used to.