Helping Children Cope with Death
Dear Dr. LeCrone:
My husband and I need help in explaining the death of my husband’s mother to our seven year old son. He is our only child and we have not needed to discuss this kind of loss with him before, but he was very close to his grandmother and we must tell him that she has died. How shall we approach this subject and what response can we expect?
-A parent in Louisiana
Dear Parent:
Parents’ own anxiety or reluctance to deal with subjects like death frequently leads them to avoidance of such topics altogether. As a result, the children may end up receiving incorrect information from other sources and thereby miss valuable facts necessary in learning to deal with death. In explaining death to a child, keep the explanation simple, straightforward and within the child’s level of understanding.
Avoid using fictional explanations such as Grandma has gone on a long trip or she has moved and may never come back. Such explanations will cause hurt and resentment when the child later learns the true facts.
Don’t be surprised if there is an increase of certain expressions of death manifested in the child’s play, artwork or verbalization after the period of death. These actions may help the child move through the stages of grief and loss in a healthy way.
Don’t deny your child the benefit of seeing parental grief, mourning and feelings of loss. Parental modeling of healthy grief responses should be encouraged.
Express empathetic feelings to your child in response to his feelings of loss. Validate the feelings he has experienced by saying, “I know that you really miss and love your grandmother a lot. She was a wonderful grandmother to you and we miss her too.”
Be aware of significant and prolonged periods of change in your child’s habits of eating, sleeping, temperament and interests. A friendly outgoing child who becomes sullen, withdrawn and pulls away from friends and family may be experiencing depression. A quiet and easy going child who begins to exhibit agitated, defiant behavior and frequent moodiness may be experiencing psychological distress in response to loss. Also, a dramatic drop in grades in school and a general and persistent lack of interest in things that formerly interested him may indicate problems.
Watch your child’s behavior carefully and if he does not bounce back to his normal self, you may want to consider professional evaluation.
