Keep explanation of death simple
Last week I began a discussion on how children view and deal with the concept of death.
Some parents feel their children should somehow learn about death in the same way they learn about important areas of human existence, like sexual reproduction. The parent’s own anxiety or reluctance to deal with such subjects frequently leads to avoidance of such topics altogether. As a result, their children may end up receiving incorrect information from other sources and thereby miss important subjects in their lives.
This week I will offer suggestions for helping parents communicate with their children about the subject of death.
• In explaining death to a child, keep the explanation simple, straightforward and within the child’s level of understanding. Talking about aging and severe illness when appropriate may be useful, especially with younger children. The death of a pet can provide a way to help children deal with death and its rituals. A simple burial and even a little funeral ceremony can help a child accept the finality of the act. Nature walks can help a child understand the processes of life and death. Dead insects and plants serve as illustrations.
• Avoid using fictional explanations such as Grandma has gone on a long trip or she has moved and may never come back. Such explanations will cause hurt and resentment when the child later learns the true facts.
• Don’t decide how a child should express his grief or feeling of loss. For some the need for affection may be apparent. For others, the need to work through this period of grief may result in a time of quietness and detachment. Others may express anger and rage. Some changes in their normal behavior may occur. Don’t try to force the child into a set of behaviors and attitudes you think are appropriate.
• Children may seek explanations of death from information they received in their religious training. Again, caution should be taken. Statements such as Grandpa has gone to help the angels may backfire and cause resentment for religious figures.
As children get older, they can share and benefit from rituals, such as funerals and memorial services. Try to talk over with children how they feel about these practices to avoid possible problems, such as trauma that might occur if a child views an opened casket.
Several years I saw a child become very upset when asked to stand before the open casket while the rest of the family mourned. In this particular case, I think, it would have been better for the child to stay with a relative.
• Don’t be surprised if there is an increase of certain expressions of death manifested in the child’s play, artwork or verbalization after the period of death. This may help the child go through the stages of grief and loss in a healthy way.
If prolonged grief reactions occur and the child does not seem to be resuming life in a healthy manner, a visit with the family doctor, minister or other counselor may be helpful. Handling death is part of life for the survivors. The healthy expression of grief and loss in children is part of the process of growing up.
