Parents’ marriage affects child’s well-being
Research at the Timberlawn Psychiatric Research Foundation in Dallas yielded some interesting and helpful information for individuals interested in improving their marriages. The research found a strong correlation between good marital dynamics and a child’s healthy psychological development.
Psychologist Dr. John T. Gossett at Timberlawn reminds us that healthy parenting techniques, such as love, nurture and support for our children, are important. But the research points out that things that transpire between husband and wife in the marital relationship determine in part how children mature and develop psychologically.
A healthy marriage, he says, provides the “amber glow of something very positive.” A marriage in constant conflict “bathes the child in some kind of bright-red head of misery that is very damaging.”
From this research, came five qualities in a marriage that provide psychological health in the relationship.
• The study found that healthy marriages had a balance of power in who was in charge in the marriage. Of particular interest here was how decisions were made. Did the husband make all of the decisions? Did the wife? Or was it a shared kind of power?
Partners in a healthy marriage are perceived as “best friends” with each partner being equal in power. Obviously, there will be time when the power will shift, but the partners will neither be dominant nor submissive. Neither will they be in constant turmoil and struggle over power and decision making.
• The second component in a healthy marriage is commitment, defined as putting the spouse at the top of the list of importance in life. In many less-than-healthy relationships, mental health professionals have found that one member of the marital relationship may place work, children, adult parents or other things at a higher priority than their spouse.
• Closeness was a measure of “alikeness” in some ways. Happily married couples in the Timberlawn study were described as often being able to read each other’s minds or finish each other’s sentences. Sharing many common interests, friendships and convictions, they often thought and felt much the same way about important issues, people and things. Also important is the fact that they were still able to be their own persons and have different interests, opinions, and activities.
• Intimacy, perhaps one of the most interesting and often misunderstood parts of a healthy marriage, does not refer to the sexual relationships, but rather is the ability to share deep feelings, fears, aspirations and thoughts. Marital intimacy in this sense is a rare quality, in part due to what many authorities believe stems from a great deal of difficulty on the part of many men in sharing intimate feelings with anyone.
• Autonomy. This final quality was described as healthy space and independence between the couple. Each individual in the marriage had a healthy sense of who they were aside from the relationship. T he ability to maintain balance and stand on one’s feet without relying on their spouse was found to be a component in a healthy relationship.
