Stepparent a challenging role to undertake
Last week this column focused on one of the more challenging aspects of establishing a blended family – step parenting. Although there are many combinations of blended families, regardless of its unique makeup they have some common problem areas.
A key issue of blended families is one of loyalty. Children and some biological parents tend to retain a part of the customs and traditions of the past family life. This desire to hang onto some semblance of the previous family can put the natural parent in the middle between the desire to begin a new family with a new partner and a new lifestyle and a wish to be responsive to past alliances such as old friends, ex-in-laws and children.
Another area of concern is that of discipline. While children are getting acquainted with a step sibling, adjusting to two households and establishing a relationship with a stepparent, acting-out behavior is not unusual. At times they may behave in a manner that places the natural parents and the stepparent at odds with each other.
Discipline is often further complicated by the desire of the natural parent to involve the stepparent in the parenting process and the wish that the stepparent may have to support the natural parent by sharing some of the burden of child rearing.
One difficulty with discipline in stepfamilies is that effective discipline is brought about by a positive parent/child relationship and the child’s desire to identify with the parent. In many blended families, members are thrown together without having had adequate time to develop positive attitudes toward each other, with resulting problems in discipline.
Unrealistic expectations involve the fantasy of “instant love” whereby all members of the blended families establish a warm, affectionate and caring relationship within the first few months of living together. Unrealistic expectations contribute to money problems.
Child support and/or alimony payments may affect the blended families’ ability to continue living a former lifestyle. Without good communication and understanding, financial troubles can contribute to frustration and distance between partners. To improve relationships, here are some recommendations:
• Establish flexible boundaries. Children may need to move between two households. The successful blended family allows members to contact ex-spouses and ex-grandparents and visit in the biological parent’s home without creating questions of loyalty.
• Define roles within the blended family. The husband and wife should engage in continual discussions of their expectations and roles. Each child should have his own place in the family. Parents can aid in this role by recognizing the role the child held in the previous family, and then allowing adequate time for the child to feel comfortable and secure.
• Develop effective communication. Openly discuss differences in lifestyle and customs of the past, including points of sensitivity, such as a child’s possible fear that the current family may dissolve as did the previous family.
Blended families can be a strong viable family unit. Like any family, they require cooperation, trust and respect for all members.
