Blended Family

Dear Dr. LeCrone: I remarried about two years ago and I am now part of a blended family. My wife and I want to make this remarriage successful but find that the challenge of raising both her children and mine is enormous. Can you please write on this subject?
A reader in Minnesota.

Dear Reader:
Rituals, rules, and traditions that may have existed in the family prior to the time of remarriage are often different from those in the blended family and conflict may arise as a result. This scenario is especially true when differences are great and the children and parents in the blended family have had years of exposure to one set of values and ideals. A classic example is when a step-parent views disciplinary procedures in a framework quite different from the child’s biological parent.

The rituals, rules and behavioral patterns in a biological family develop over time. In blended families, however, these variables may shift rapidly and can produce difficulty within the new family structure.

In blended families, children must learn new communication and relationship patterns with step-parents and step-siblings. New sibling patterns often emerge within step- families such as a child being shifted to another position in the birth order. For example, the oldest child may become the youngest in the new family creating unpredicted challenges.

Blended families often require “sharing” with the child being shuttled back and forth between families and this may cause the potential for further confusion and disruption. Relationships with exes can cause difficulties in remarriages. Old wounds, bitterness and anger, alimony, child support, and other factors related to the prior marriage need to be addressed whenever possible prior to the remarriage. Establish flexible boundaries. Children may need to move between two households. The successful blended family allows members to contact ex-spouses and ex-grandparents and visit the biological parent’s home without creating questions of loyalty.

Open discussions about the expectations of each family member need to be addressed prior to the remarriage. A belief that everything will work out because love conquers all is both naive and foolhardy and can lead to many problems in the new blended family.

In cases where healthy family functioning and harmony can’t be achieved family counseling can often be helpful.

Remarriage and step-parenting can present its own unique challenges and potential difficulties. Forethought, planning, and open and honest dialogue can help make the remarriage a success.