Blended families face many obstacles

When Helen and Ron divorced, Helen was devastated. She had wanted to discuss their problem, had pleaded with Ron to go with her to see a counselor. But Ron refused. In fact, Ron told Helen that he felt criticized by her all the time and usually stayed silent to avoid a fight.

This silence drew into a communication breakdown, ending in divorce.

With primary custody of their two children, a son, 10, and a daughter, 7, Helen set about rebuilding her life. Then she met Alan. He was sensitive, intelligent, successful, and communicative. The relationship flourished; marriage came into the picture.

Alan’s first wife had left him and their 9-year-old daughter three years before Helen came into his life. He seemed to want the same things Helen wanted – a close family, typified by positive communication, mutual support in the parenting process and unconditional love and acceptance among family members. Helen had high hopes that Alan not only would be a loving and sensitive partner, but a strong and supportive father figure for her two children. Alan expected the beautiful and exciting woman he was to marry would also be an affirming role model for his daughter. It was going to be perfect.

In many ways it was – except for the parenting. Helen had not anticipated the irritation she felt toward Alan’s daughter. What made it harder was Alan’s insistence that his daughter love Helen. He didn’t understand why Helen had difficulty feeling close to her. On the other hand, Alan felt that Helen was too lenient with her two children and that he had the responsibility to get them “to toe the line.”

Helen and Alan were experiencing one of the most frequently reported areas of difficulty in blended families – step parenting.

Statistics reveal that more than 15 million children under 18 live in blended families. More than 25 million husbands and wives are stepparents.

The image that is portrayed of blended families in literature, movies and fairy tales is often of a cruel stepparent and a neglected stepchild. Too often the conscientious stepparent hears “you knew what you were getting into,” when family concerns are voiced. The negative cultural stereotype and the perception that others won’t understand the difficulties of blended families frequently contributes to silence on the part of stepparents and the invisibility of blended families.

Blended families represent the efforts of two parents to establish a healthy and loving marriage and home life. When a parent is happy, the child will pick it up and gain a greater sense of security. A happy and positive parent is a more effective parent. Blended families, then, offer the opportunity for a healing of past hurts and the hope that in starting over, warm positive relationships can be formed that can provide a source of encouragement and support.

Next week I will discuss several common problems encountered in blended families and recommend steps for improving relationships in families. With mutual agreement and definite guidelines, stepfamilies like that of Helen and Alan can succeed.