Couples problems overwhelm marriage

Recently a reader posed the following the dilemma:

"My spouse and I have been married now for six years and although we love each other, a problem continually arises in our relationship.

When we argue over things like money, discipline of the children, or sex, our disagreements result in a complete breakdown in communication. Nothing gets solved and we both become very emotional.

Both of us are pretty "headstrong" and before we got married we were both used to getting our way.

We are both from families of divorce and don't want the cycle to repeat itself again. As we are intelligent, healthy and educated and it would seem that we could work out our problems. We seem to be drifting further and further apart.

Both of us work full time and the stress of our jobs seems to make our problems worse. With two small children, a rather large mortgage payment on our house, two car payments, and credit card debt, we don't have enough money to meet our expenses at times. You have written about stress in families and as you can see, we have our share. We have talked about counseling but wonder if things are too far gone as both of us feel hurt, angry, and confused. What do you suggest?"

This young couple's problems are typical of those found in many marriages today. They are struggling with many issues, often overwhelming their ability to identify problems and to resolve conflicts. Instead of the couple effectively communicating their feelings and needs, they often began to attack each other personally, resulting in pain, bitterness and resentment. This pain often results in their emotionally insulating themselves from each other and becoming very vulnerable to unhealthy escapes such as extra-marital affairs, drugs or alcohol, spending sprees, or total emersion in work.

Struggles for power and control are often found in unhealthy relationships such as this one. Their reference to each "getting their way" before marriage would necessitate exploring their attitudes and beliefs about one of the essentials in a healthy marriage, shared power, and control.

Examining commitments and priorities within the relationship might give the couple an opportunity to see whether they are caught in a trap of money and things. Perhaps they are trying to meet someone else's expectations in life rather than their own. Examining how time is being managed in the family as well as looking at equitable and effective sharing of duties and responsibilities could assist in reducing stress within the family.

During the early part of the discussion, this couple mentioned the presence of love and the desire to avoid a divorce. Counseling might be helpful and worth a try. My belief is that no stone should be left unturned in attempting to resolve the difficulties in any marital relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.