Communication vital to marriage

John is reminiscing about his marriage of 12 years. Before the wedding Sue was exciting to be with. She was very beautiful, he though, and he felt relaxed and comfortable with her at all times. He could say anything he wanted to, and she seemed supportive of his ideas and plans. Passion was a big part of their relationship. Until recently he had felt that he was her hero. He wished things were still that way. Now always critical, Sue doesn’t seem to appreciate him. He dreads to go home. Turning into the driveway, his muscles tense up, and he is on edge as he enters the house.

Waiting inside, Sue was not looking forward to an evening alone with John. Unless they were surrounded by friends they really had very little to say to each other. Insensitive to her needs, John has changed, she thinks. She feels unappreciated and frustrated, unable to please him. There is nothing romantic in their life anymore.

Both John and Sue are aware that their marriage is in trouble. And their problems are not at all unusual.

Statistics suggest that divorce occurs in four out of 10 marriages. In 75 percent of the cases, divorces occur before spouses reach the age of 30. These same studies show that often troubled marriages are preceded by little, if any, marriage preparation. Parental relationships, good or poor, serve as primary models. When trouble arises, couples often blindly seek a solution.

Major complaints of most troubled married couples fall into these categories:
• Communication problems
• Finances
• Managing anger
• Sex
• Parenting
• Division of household duties
• Time-management – individual, couple and parenting time
• Boredom
• External stresses – moves, deaths, business failures

Marriage counselors stress the need for good communication. Many couples respond be saying that during the engagement period they felt free to express any opinion and that they listened to their partner’s point of view in a non-critical manner. After the marriage ceremony, however, an emotional change occurred because one of the other didn’t want to “spoil” the harmonious spirit of love and unity by bringing up small grievances. They let the grievances and unmentioned hurts build to a breaking point. Then, a discussion was almost impossible.

Many couples’ rule of thumb is to avoid tension. Therefore, when differences are brought to light which threaten the feeling of oneness, they seek to maintain a sense of equilibrium through strict adherence to marital roles, or they may become overly involved in an outside activity, such as school, community service, church or clubs. They may abuse the use of alcohol, engage in sexual affairs, or simply watch too much television. While the outside activity serves to postpone a possible tension-filled discussion, it should be noted that the effect of continual postponement is a build-up of tension, a weakening in the emotional bond that joins a couple, and only serves to increase feelings of frustration. Eliminating major discussions between marriage partners may hinder the growth of the couple in a healthy and supportive manner.

Sociologists and mental health professionals have found that early marriages are more likely to fail. Marriages that occur in the mid or late 20s provide opportunities to get to know different personality types and increase the likelihood of the right mate selection. Marrying an individual from a similar socio-economic background also increases the probability of a lasting relationship.

Next week we will identify early warning signs of marriage problems such as John and Sue are experiencing, and point out more serious signs of marriage difficulty. We also will look at characteristics of a healthy marriage and how to maintain a happy relationship.