Communication the key in relationships
One of the most common complaints from couples who find their marriages stale, unhappy and in conflict is, “We don’t communicate.” Research has shown that four of the most destructive behaviors in a bad marriage are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
In the workplace, breakdowns in communication often lead to problems. A mutual feeling of misunderstanding often exists between the employer and the employee and when asked why the problem exists, each will often say, “We don’t communicate.”
Breakdowns in communication often occur because of poor listening skills. Listening requires the involvement between those attempting to communicate, sensing the feelings and emotions associated with the words, and being active in the process of listening.
Here are some techniques that are often helpful in improving listening skills.
• Try to understand how the other individual in a conversation feelings by putting yourself in their shoes. Focus on what he or she is saying and the feelings that are associated with the words. Resist the urge to shift your thinking away from the other individual and on to your own planned response to them.
• Try to maintain eye contact when possible. Telephone conversations are obviously an exception. But perhaps technology will change that tin the not-too-distant future.
• Be sensitive to the possibility that the listener has not heard you. If you suspect that this is possible, ask them to tell you what they thought they heard. Explore with them, if necessary, the meaning of what you are trying to convey to them.
• If you are not completely sure that you understand the other person’s meaning in a conversation, stop and explore this with them, rather than letting the conversation grow and develop on inaccurate assumptions.
• Analyze your goals in conversation and see if instead of listening you are instead often attempting to change the other person and control the outcome of the conversation. This may be appropriate in the courtroom or a formal debate but it often unproductive in personal situations such as at home or at work.
• Refrain from blaming-type statements such as “You should have known better,” or “You always foul things up.” These types of corrosive criticisms can end a conversation in a hurry.
• Refrain from letting your own sense of inadequacy or insecurity interfere with your ability to hear what the other person is saying. Individuals with poor self-esteem often misinterpret what is being said to them because of their own negative self-talk. While listening to the individual communicating with them they may be making false assumptions such as, “Their lack of attentiveness to me in this conversation means they don’t care or don’t like me.” Other false assumptions can be made on the basis of false assumptions regarding non-verbal cues dealing with such things as the intensity of the speaker’s voice. For example, “He is angry at me because he talks loud.” In effect, the real problem was the speaker had hearing problems and always spoke louder than others.
