Perhaps the most often voiced complaint of couples experiencing marital disharmony is "we don't communicate." This broad and general description can be broken into various types of problems including some of the following:
• Different communication "styles" resulting from different personality types can sometimes be the basis for difficulties in couple communication. For example, some personality types tend to analyze problems and make decisions by observing, spending time considering alternatives, and often keeping their observations and decisions inside. They often become drained by intense discussions and would rather listen than talk. If they are married to the opposite type of individual, one who likes to discuss options, observations, and finds it useful to talk to others about decision making processes, then there may be a problem. These two types of communication styles are measured by psychological instruments which can help point to these differences in perceptual and communication styles and give the couple the opportunity to understand these differences and make adjustments.
• Other communication difficulties within a marital relationship may result from feelings of resentment, unhappiness, and even bitterness resulting from unhealthy patterns of interaction between the couple. Power struggles, for instance, can produce this kind of difficulty where one spouse demands dominance, leaving the other member of the marriage in a submissive position. This pattern often yields a gradual drifting apart with longer and longer periods of detachment between the couple. Mistrust resulting from a variety of possible sources including substance abuse can disrupt or even halt communication patterns in the relationship.
• Sometimes communication problems are the result of couples that are over-committed in activities outside the marriage. In our society where two or even three jobs are not uncommon for an individual, lack of communication is often chiefly a function of little or no time together. Excessive volunteerism in organizations, clubs, or even community work can put too much space and distance between couples, particularly when one partner does not share the same degree of interest in the work. Also, in situations like this, one or both members of the marriage are chronically fatigued and simply do not have much energy left for healthy communication.
• Depression in one or both individuals in a marriage can lead to problems in communication. Often this is unrecognized, and left untreated, can put more and more distance between the couple. Examples of this can sometimes be seen in an individual who is chronically irritable or pessimistic resulting in a disruption in effective communication due to emotional conditions and outlooks on life. Another example is withdrawal and lack of interest or enthusiasm due to a depressed state with resulting patterns of ineffective communication.
• Many times a combination of any of the above problems is at the root of the communication difficulty. Communication problems rarely improve without outside professional assistance. The first step is correctly assessing the problem followed by corrective intervention.
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