Our Marriage Is On The Rocks Because We Don’t Talk To Each Other
Dear Dr. LeCrone:
My wife and I have been married for 5 years, but we are having a lot of problems. Our biggest problem is that we don’t communicate well with each other. Can you please give us your thoughts on this problem?
-A reader in North Carolina
Dear Reader:
One of the most frequently voiced complaints of couples experiencing marital disharmony is "we don't communicate." Here are some brief thoughts on this complex problem.
Different personality types can sometimes be the basis for communication problems.
For example, some personality types tend to analyze problems and make decisions by observing, spending time considering alternatives, and often keeping their observations and decisions to themselves. They often become drained by intense discussions and would rather listen than talk.
If they are married to the opposite type of individual, one who likes to discuss options and observations, and finds it useful to talk to others about decision-making processes, then there may be a problem.
These two types of communication styles can be measured by psychological instruments such as the Myers- Briggs Type Indicator, which gives couples the opportunity to understand these differences and make adjustments.
Other communication difficulties may result from power struggles and control issues when one spouse demands dominance that leaves the other member of the marriage in a submissive position. The subservient member of the marriage often develops feelings of bitterness and resentment, which gives rise to barriers that prevent a healthy dialogue between the couple. Awareness of this imbalance in the relationship and the willingness to change is necessary to resolve this issue.
Communication problems can result when couples are overcommitted to activities outside the marriage. Multiple jobs, hobbies and social functions can leave little time together. Time must be set aside on a regular basis to increase the opportunity for healthy communication.
Mental health issues, including depression and substance abuse, can lead to communication problems. For example, withdrawal and lack of interest or enthusiasm due to depression can result in patterns of ineffective communication.
Many times a combination of any of the above problems and other difficulties in the marriage are at the root of the impaired communication pattern. These problems rarely improve without outside professional assistance. The first step is correctly assessing the problem, followed by corrective intervention.
