“Help Me, I Can’t Say No.”

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I have a long-standing problem of saying “yes” when I should be saying “no.”

This fault has caused me great hardship in my life. I am insecure, lack self-confidence, and am afraid of offending people, but in spite of this awareness, I make myself a doormat for friends, family and people at work. I am anxious and depressed and need help.

-A reader in Colorado


Dear Reader:

Some people believe that saying no will make them seem impolite. They fear rejection and have an insatiable appetite for affirmation and acceptance.

Others are terrified by confrontation and therefore acquiesce to every demand or request.

“No” may be a mere two letters, but it is a powerful word. Saying no does not make you a bad, weak, incompetent person.

When saying no becomes necessary and appropriate, do so in a clear, pleasant, decisive manner. Giving a half- hearted response often invites a second request.

You may reply with an answer that will suggest a way for the person to seek help from another. For example, "I really am too busy at this time to be of assistance, but you might consider calling someone at the temporary employment office."

Realize that you can say no without necessarily damaging a relationship. If the person making the request is interested in your welfare, the person will respect your right to refuse. If the person does not recognize this right then perhaps you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

If someone persists in trying to persuade you, continue to say no and remember that much of the time you don't have to give a reason. You don't give reasons when you say “yes” so why should you have to give a reason for saying “no.”

If giving a reason is necessary, be honest, but don’t elaborate and go into a lot of detail.

If saying no is something that creates too much anxiety, you may need to rehearse your response, Practice what you need to say. "No, I cannot meet your request, but thanks for thinking of me.” “No, you will need to find someone else to help you.”

Smile and make good eye contact when you give your response.

If you can’t set personal boundaries, you may end up fighting fatigue, resentment, anxiety and depression. Always saying yes does not make you a likeable person. Instead, it may designate you as dumping ground for other peoples dislikes. Be assertive and use these boundaries when needed.