Last week we discussed some of the reasons couples find their marriages and their relationship incompatible.
One of the main reasons that marriages fail is the lack of understanding on the part of either marital partner regarding the problems that can arise in a lifetime together. The early bliss and romance in a dating relationship dominate the couple’s thoughts and feelings to appoint that they never consider or think about how problems can develop. Once difficulties arise, relationships are damaged to the point that it is often impossible to regain a strong positive marriage. Marital difficulty can be one of the single greatest sources of stress in life.
What are some early warning signals?
• Denial by either partner that a problem exists
• Avoidance of each other
• Repeated discussions of the same problem
• Belief that the problem will go away by itself
More serious problems include a communication breakdown, a personal attack on the partner’s character, withdrawal into separate lifestyles or depression, extramarital affairs, or an attitude that says, “If you were different I would be fine, so you must change so that I can reach my full potential.”
In a healthy marriage there is always effective communication. Other positive characteristics include:
• Mutual respect for individuality, instead of the belief that each partner has to think and act alike on every issue. Healthy marriages are filled with trust and are free from jealousy and over protectiveness.
• A directness and openness along with the willingness to discuss any issue. Problem marriages tend to lack conflict resolution and any discussion of the difficulties in marriages.
• Couples display pride in physical appearance and pride in each other and individual accomplishments. They have periodic examinations of the status of certain stated and attained life goals.
• Healthy marriages have a time set aside not only to be together, but time to be alone. There is a great deal of investment of energy in the relationship and a positive belief that the relationship can and will last with work.
• Healthy marriages tend to display a lot of flexibility and positive thinking versus marriages with rigid expectations and beliefs.
• Healthy marriages have discussions of problems after a “cooling off period.” Through these the couple becomes more and more aware of each other’s style of communication and accepts these different styles.
• Couples show recognition of the progress and growth in their marriage.
• Healthy marriages display affection, a sense of humor, and seek to find common grounds of interest.
• Healthy marriages accept that life isn’t always quiet and serene.
• In healthy marriages, if problems occur that cannot be resolved, professional counseling is sought. Admitting that there is a problem before the problem becomes too great can often lead to a solution which will preserve the relationship and strengthen it.
Working at marriage isn’t often easy, but then no true meaningful relationship can escape ups and downs. Happy, healthy marriages like any successful partnership require a vast expenditure of time and energy.
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