Dealing with sexual tension in a marriage

A common question from readers of this column is:

“Do poor marriages cause sexual problems or vice versa?”

Most martial therapists agree that unhealthy marriages usually contain unsatisfying sexual relationships. They also agree that treatment of sexual problems in the marriage is of little value without attending to other elements in interpersonal problems in the relationships.

Put in simple terms, it is difficult to be interested and satisfied in physical aspects of a relationship if conflict, neglect, anger and other problems exist in the marriage.

Here are some of the more common difficulties in unsatisfactory marital relationships.

• Power struggles. Control issues and attempts to develop and maintain a dominant-submissive set of roles are frequently the basis of difficulties in unhappy marriages.

Stereotyped beliefs are often handed down from generation to generation. There’s the belief that one partner in the marriage should control the money and not be accountable to the other or that one partner should do most of the child rearing or that one partner should decide if and when sexual contact is to be made and the other passively abide by these decision.

Power struggles can result in resentment, bitterness, anger and eventual detachment in relationships that have obvious connections to sexual satisfaction.

• Trust. Lack of trust in relationships often creates fear, anxiety and tension that make it difficult to relate spontaneously – with ease and relaxation. Concerns about commitment, fears of abandonment or infidelity (with a basis) are all examples of the kinds of problems that can lead to a lack of trust and cause difficult in participating in an uninhibited manner in a sexual relationship.

• Unmet expectations. Many people marry with a conscious agenda to change their partners, while others do so at an unconscious level.

One or both members of the relationship may “overlook” patterns of difficulties that exist prior to marriage with the expectation that these can be changed after marriage. When the change does not occur, it can lead to disappointment, frustration, anger and even rage.

Such difficulties can include substance abuse prior to marriage, patterns of dependency in parental relationships, obsessions with hobbies, unhealthy patterns of spending and differences in religious convictions and beliefs.

“The love that we have for each other will enable us to work out these problems after marriage,” is often the naïve and unrealistic belief that can lead the couple into marital disharmony. Disappointment, frustration, anger and rage are not emotions compatible with lovemaking.

In future columns I will discuss other elements of a healthy relationship that enhance and provide the basis for a healthy sexual relationship.