Often one spouse will complain, "He isn't the same person I married." Or the other will acknowledge, "She has changed so much I don't know her anymore."
Relationships are not static entities. They change daily and usually the changes are so gradual that the altering process does not destroy the relationship. These changes are like ripples in the water that may be noticeable, but eventually flow into calm waters and the relationship grows and both partners accept the changes and go on with their lives.
But there are changes that cause big waves and may even rock the boat.
• Research studies on marriage failure have shown that often, when one begins to make considerably more money that the other, problems may erupt. However, when one person is making more money when the relationship begins, the problem does not occur. Some research indicates that the problem is more pronounced if it is the wife who begins to make more money. Somehow the husband may feel that he is somewhat of a failure, or he may hold the perception learned from his parents that the husband should always be the provider.
• Another change that may cause a crisis in a relationship is when one greatly improves his status. It can be a new career, a big promotion, an election to a high office, or it may be the completion of a higher degree that catapults a person into colleagues and associates that the partner feels uncomfortable with.
• Still another change that does far more than ripple the waters is when a person changes their values or accepts a different spiritual belief. This is evident in one partner becoming obsessive over a belief or cult, or it may be simply leaving a church and joining another that the partner cannot agree on.
• Other disrupting and crisis making changes are when a person changes their lifestyle and uses drugs or consumes alcohol to excess.
• What are some ways to adapt to change and maintain a relationship?
• Preparation for an upcoming change is the best prevention. If Tom is being considered for a vice presidency in his firm, he should talk it over with his spouse and together they can visualize the benefits as well as the new demands it will require.
• Working together and disputing old beliefs. Detach each individual's "worth" and value in the relationship from their economic contributions. Simply decide that it doesn't matter who makes the most money. That one may have been the main economic producer in the past, but the other can be at this time. One may assume other responsibilities that will maintain balance in the marriage.
• See professional help when needed. Changes in lifestyles that destroy a family often require a third party to separate the facts and present options available.
• The only thing that is permanent is change. And for a relationship to continue it must grow, and spouses must nurture each other.
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