Surviving in a difficult relationship

So you have to co-exist with someone and the situation is not pleasant.

It may be a relationship, a co-worker, or a member of your family. You are not treated kindly, or with respect and courtesy, and at times the treatment is irritating and hostile.

Still, you may choose to stay where you are. It may be because of financial reasons; it may be that you have ties that you consider are more important than your personal feelings. It could be for any number of other reasons, but after having analyzed the pros and cons, you know you cannot walk away at this time.

But you would like to handle the day-to-day communication in a more satisfactory way. Realizing we cannot change the other person, we know we can change ourselves.

• First of all, accept the unpleasantness of the situation without trying to rationalize on why or how it has progressed to this point. Don't deny that you dislike the scenario.

• Make a list of the positive and negative exchanges you experience.

• Be fair when you judge yourself--don't blame yourself, but don't excuse yourself either.

• Be fair when you judge the other person. Accept that they are different and have different ways of dealing with life.

• Decide what you are willing to tolerate and decide how long you can tolerate the situation as it is.

• Then set some limits and conditions to continuing this relationship. This must be an open and candid exchange. You may begin by saying, "I value you and want to make our relationship better. I would like to discuss something that is of great concern to me." Always start the discussion with an "I." Never start with a "you" as, "You are going to have to change."

• Be a helper. Your friend, companion, co-worker, or lover may be hurting. If the hurt were physical, you would feel compassion. Since the hurting must be emotional, you need to find a way to ease that pain. "You seem to be troubled, is there something I can do to help you?" If the response is "No, there is nothing you can do," leave it alone. But continue to model a behavior that may make them sit up and take notice. The best way to change another person is to model self-control. Life goes on and the person who can roll with the punches gets accolades from their associates.

• Find ways to make yourself happy. Spend some time on things you enjoy. Allocate time each day for a new interest and a personal ambition. You will return to the relationship with renewed energy and a spark that will attract attention.

Mary was married to a man who had just been given a demotion. He thought it was devastating. Although she had tried to reassure him that it was not the end of the world, he became more and more negative and cynical. Their relationship deteriorated as he seemed to want her to suffer as much as he was.

Instead, Mary refused to let the negative consequences deflate her. She forced herself to find new interests outside of the home. She took more interest in her personal appearance, sought ways to share her time and talents with others, and increased her energy by reaching beyond this relationship. Soon she found that his negative and critical comments were no longer hurting her.

And she found that he began to respond to the positive things she contributed to their discussions and began to reorganize his thoughts about his future.

Unpleasant relationships do not last forever. But it takes at least one partner to find a new avenue for change.