Healthy marriages need constant TLC
Is your Valentine your spouse? If so, the following information might enrich or improve your marriage. Judith S. Wallerstein, Ph.D., co-author of the book, The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts listed nine components for a healthy marriage.
• The couple is able to separate emotionally from their family of origin to invest fully in their marriage. This necessitates redefining commitments and communication patterns with the family of one’s childhood.
• Developing togetherness which includes sharing interests, values, dreams for the future etc. This togetherness is based on mutual identification and shared intimacy but does not exclude the need for each partner to set boundaries to protect each others autonomy.
• Development of a healthy sexual relationship which requires protection from intrusion such as other family commitments and work related issues. Couples display care and effort in their physical appearance, strive for mutually pleasurable activities and endeavors to please one another.
• If and when children arrive in the marriage, protecting and preserving the relationship by absorbing the impact of the baby’s entrance into the marriage in a healthy way. Preplanning and flexible thinking can make this work.
• Developing strategies to deal with inevitable crisis that arise. Death, financial problems, career changes and illness are all examples of issues that require extra effort.
• Maintaining the strength of the marital relationship in the face of adversity. Partners must have the ability to express differences, conflict and anger without destroying the relationship.
• Using humor to keep a healthy perspective, and avoid boredom. Humor can help smooth out a lot of rough times in a marriage.
• Providing empathy, validation and comfort in a nurturing environment that offers continuing encouragement and support. Being best friends really helps with these tasks.
• Finally, striving to keep the romantic spark alive that characterizes the early years of marriage. The little things (flowers, love notes, special “I love you” surprises) can all help in this area.
Dr. Wallerstein emphasis that for the marriage to be happy and complete, these nine elements need to be a natural, ongoing and interrelated set of variables rather than a “checklist” assigned to the marriage from outside the marital relationship.
Happy Valentine’s Day on this first Valentine’s Day of the new century.
