Tips give for healthy disagreement
A reader presents the following question: “My husband and I seem to have a communication problem when it comes to disagreements. Instead of disagreeing about something, talking it over in a reasonable manner and deciding on a solution, we quickly deteriorate into verbal battles and end up yelling and screaming at each other. What used to be disagreeable and unpleasant is now painful and unbearable. We end up not speaking for days after a big fight which escalates our communication problem even further. Do you have any tips on how to fight fair in the marriage?”
There are many psychological strategies for assisting those who need to learn how to disagree in an agreeable way. Perhaps some of the following suggestions will help:
• Try not to pick times to discuss problems and differences between the two of you when you are fatigued, under pressure and stress or distracted by other things. For example, discussing financial concerns and worries and resolving differences between the two of you over these issues while rushing to a wedding or at the end of a long hard day is inadvisable. Clear, creative and productive thinking is much easier to accomplish if some time is set aside to brainstorm and solve problems. Perhaps meeting for lunch or setting aside time before the evening meal would be useful. A Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon might better suit your purpose.
• Develop an agenda of problems that need solution and try to be as specific as possible. Dragging up old, unsolved problems and vague, nebulas concerns can produce a great deal of frustration and impair problem solving. For example, if you’re going to discuss discipline problems with your children don’t wander off into concerns about in-laws, money worries, etc.
• If the discussion starts heating up, take a break for a few minutes and “cool off” before things get out of hand. Get a drink of water, use the restroom or walk around the block if necessary. Time out is a very powerful and useful technique.
• Avoid accusatory and derogatory statements about your spouse. “You sound just like your mother” or “you know most of this is your fault so why don’t you admit it”, demolishes any chance of carrying on a rational conversation and results in hurt feelings and a shut down in healthy communication. New problems of forgiveness and guilt may then arise and detract further from the ability to solve a problem.
• Avoid overgeneralizing, catastrophising and mind reading when trying to solve problems. For example, stating “you always yell at the children, spend too much money or play golf all the time” may be exaggerations and detract from your ability to stick with more factual situations. Likewise, statements such as “if our children don’t dress better they won’t have any friends” or “when ever we’re late for church everyone thinks we’re rude” detract from the focus of solving problems and requires attention to argue over irrelevant and less than useful side discussions.
In a healthy marriage your spouse is your best friend. Ask yourself how you would want to solve a problem with your best friend. Most good friends don’t yell and scream at each other for very long if they are going to remain friends.
