Couples May Have To “Agree To Disagree” In Some Marital Disputes

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My fiancé and I would like for you to give us some direction on how we can best deal with the inevitable disagreements that will occur in our marriage.

Here are some suggestions that I think will help.

Try to choose times to discuss problems and differences when you are not fatigued, under pressure and stress or distracted by other things. For example, don’t decide to discuss financial concerns while rushing to a social event or at the end of a long hard day. Clear, creative and productive thinking is much easier to accomplish if some time is set aside to brainstorm and solve problems. Meeting for lunch or talking on a Saturday morning will probably be more productive.

Start out by agreeing not to participate in the blame game. Stay away from accusatory patterns and instead discuss the area of disagreement. Consider your spouse's perspective, always show respect and don’t say things that you will regret later even if you are angry.

When you do disagree and have an argument, attempt to argue about focused concerns rather than old history. Don't bring up things that happened months or years ago. Develop an agenda for solving problems and try to be as specific as possible. For example, if you’re going to discuss discipline problems with your children don’t become sidetracked by issues about in-laws or political differences.

If the discussion starts heating up, call time out until you both calm down. Don’t let the disagreement escalate and spin out of control. Time out is a very powerful and useful technique in tense situations.

Don't let friends or other family members try to referee your disagreements and be aware of self-serving or biased input from others. Get outside professional help if necessary as a trained counselor can assist you in learning to disagree in a constructive manner.

Listen carefully to what your spouse is saying. Make eye contact and let your mate know that you understand the point that is being made.

In a healthy marriage your spouse is your best friend so ask yourself how you would want to solve a problem with your best friend. Most good friends don’t yell and say hurtful remarks to each other for very long if they are going to remain friends.

Finally, don't expect to agree on everything. There may be some situations, hopefully not many, in which you have to "agree to disagree."