Husband seeks help with marital fights
Dear Dr. LeCrone, My wife and I have been married for about six months after having known each other for several years. We do not have children yet and want to wait a few years to start our family. We both have good jobs and no real financial problems. Both of us grew up in homes where a lot of love and affection was expressed and we both feel that our self-esteem is fairly healthy. Although neither one of us are aware of being under a lot of stress, we seem to fight a lot and need some help in learning to relate better to each other with particular emphasis on cooperation and fighting fairly. Can you give us some pointers?" Signed, In Pursuit of a Better Marriage.
Dear in Pursuit, First of all, let me applaud and congratulate you for having the wisdom to begin improving your situation before more difficulties develop. The main issue bringing most of those suffering from marital problems to counseling is "we have communication problem." In order for a relationship to be successful, cooperation along with caring and compromise need to be focused upon. Let's talk about some of the elements of cooperation and fighting fairly in relationships.
• Start out by deciding that neither one of you is going to participate in the blame game. Try to stay away from accusatory patterns and instead seek insight into the elements in the situation that are upsetting you. Start off my asking, "Why am I so angry?" rather than, "You make me so angry." This approach often yields very helpful answers which allow you to see difficulties more objectively and realistically. Along these same lines, try to look at the situation from your spouse's perspective.
• Don't avoid talking about issues that are relevant and important to your relationship simply because you disagree upon these issues. There may be some situations in which you have to "agree to disagree." Hopefully, this will be less often rather than more often, but don't expect to agree on everything.
• When you do disagree and have an argument, attempt to argue about focused concerns rather than old history. Don't bring up things that happen months or years ago or bring old unfinished business or baggage from the past into the argument.
• Seek resolution, not destruction. Don't use verbal or physical threats, avoid name calling and derogatory or demeaning accusations. Stating, "You're acting just like your mother/father, and you know I can't stand them," can cause long-term damage and very deeply hurt feelings.
• Avoid over-generalizing with statements like, "You're always in a bad mood and never seem to care what I have to say."
• Don't let friends or other family members decide what is right for you and your relationship. Get outside professional help if necessary, but be aware of self-serving or biased input from others.
I hope that this information is helpful, and I will return to this topic again in the future.
