Actions affect every family member
Last week I discussed family patterns that begin after the birth of the first child and influence family structure and the way a family lives.
I also talked about the part grandparents play. The values and standards established by one’s parents are accepted, emulated, imitated – and thus incorporated – when their children begin to raise families of their own.
As the family develops, certain key elements need to be established and maintained. These define the direction the family will travel.
• Active and regular communication needs to take place between mother and father regarding the development and maintenance of key issues within the family.
Feelings, questions and disagreements should be addressed when they arise.
Ideally, couples should look at important issues of family life before the marriage begins. At this stage, clergy and counselors involved in premarital counseling have a significant opportunity to look at some of these elements prior to the time the knot is tied.
Teaching the couple to openly discuss issues and negotiate a resolution establishes a communication pattern that can become a significant component of the family structure.
• Once the couple is married, parents should refrain from giving too much direction.
My wife and I were fortunate to have parents willing to express opinions when asked, but they rarely felt the need to offer unsolicited suggestions or opinions on most issues.
We both knew we could ask for advice from our parents without feeling the obligation to follow it.
We knew that seeking their counsel did not carry with it the threat that we would offend them if we chose to base our decision on information other than what they gave us.
• In establishing family patterns, couples should avoid the tendency of staying so close to details of the many small parts of daily living that the larger picture of the family lifestyle is obscured.
For example, consider the long-term effects of career decisions on the family unit. Think about time spent on outside hobbies and interests. Be considerate when making decision on budgets, savings, education, and spiritual commitments.
Both parents should carefully think of the family as a whole part, and determine the effects of each and every decision as to how it will affect the whole family.
Periodically make adjustments based on what is most beneficial. Families that put off adjustments until a convenient time arises often make no adjustments at all.
Family patterns are unique, and each family’s structure is unlike any other. Such seemingly simple things as determining the hour of bedtime for the children, the decision to turn off the television during the family mealtime, the practice of regularly attending a place of worship together, of celebrating special days and holidays with traditions and sentiments – these are the part and parcel that must be established as early as possible. It will be the persistence of these patterns, as the family matures and grows together, that will be the binding factor.
