Communication important for newlyweds

Are you going to be a newlywed this summer? If so, you may want to consider some of the elements of a healthy marital relationship.

• Commitment is strong in healthy marriages. The husband and wife view each other as his/her first priority.

Those who study healthy marriages often hear statements such as “I feel that I am the most important thing in his/her life. He/She cares for me more than anything else in this world.”

Unfortunately, after the first few years of marriage, other priorities can creep in such as work, other family members (including children), hobbies and other diversions. When this occurs, a question of commitment to the relationship often occurs.

One or both members of an unhappy relationship often rationalize their lack of commitment by such statements as, “When the children get older, when I get my next promotion, when we move into a bigger house – then I can refocus on our marriage.” If “when” ever occurs, the couple often finds it is too late. Feeling of rejection, detachment and even bitterness may make a return to a healthy, happy marriage difficult.

• Healthy marriages are relatively free from power and control issues. Research shows that in healthy, happy marriages, the relationship is a partnership. In areas such as finance, sex, child-rearing and relationships with in-laws, the couple will discuss various options and alternatives.

Couples in a happy marriage often describe each other as best friends (with passion). Power struggles and need for control can kill a friendship. Compromises and a lot of give and take occur in happy marriages so that neither husband nor wife feels that his/her wishes and desires are inconsequential. Mutual consent and high regard for each other’s feelings is extremely important in a healthy marriage.

• Healthy relationships are characterized by trust and loyalty. Each partner thinks about how his/her behavior and choices will affect the spouse. Partners in healthy marriages often ask themselves: “Is what I am going to do or say something that I could go home and tell my husband or wife about without any difficulty?”

• Healthy marriages usually contain what many marital counselors call closeness. This refers to how much of life the couple shares, including friendships, time spent together and similar value systems. Similarity in the couples background and prior history can help promote these shared areas.

However, happily married couples often say that their backgrounds are dissimilar but as time goes on they began to think on the same “wavelength.”

This closeness does not imply that the couple needs to be “joined at the hip” and agree on everything. Autonomy is also important in a healthy relationship, with each partner having the freedom to pursue his/her own activities and interests.

In future columns, I will return to this important area of healthy marriages.