A reader perplexed in her attempts to improve her marriage made the following comments and requests.
I recently left my husband after 15 years of marriage because I was tired of feeling like I was at the bottom of his list of priorities. His work, hobbies, friends, and even his children came before me. It seemed to me like we either bickered or didn't talk at all. I was so miserable and unhappy that I seriously considered having an affair. More than one man was interested, but I didn't think that this would be the solution to my problem. Our sex life had become about as interesting as a cup of cold coffee as he often fell asleep on the couch after dinner and stumbled into bed about an hour after I had already gone to sleep. When I tried to talk to my husband about my feelings he seems bored, didn't really listen to me, and often became so angry he stomped out of the house or retreated to his workshop. Now I am uncertain about the future. Is there any hope for a reconciliation or should I really call it quits? I would appreciate any suggestions you could give me.
You should communicate with your husband, asking him if he would be willing to get some counseling help. I certainly would hope that both of you would be willing to try again before throwing in the towel.
Although I generally like to make suggestions in a positive manner, there are times that suggesting that a couple cease certain behaviors in order to improve their relationship seems appropriate. And the circumstances you describe seem to be appropriate.
• First of all, couples should quit taking their spouses for granted. He/she is not an old shoe to be worn in mud and rain and left on the porch to dry. While old shoes can feel very comfortable for a while, they can sometimes lull us into feeling that we don't need to clean, shine, or care for them like we do a new pair. Spouses are not old shoes and a marriage can become brittle, cracked, and eventually fall apart without our focused attention and love. A good test is to ask yourself: Is my spouse the most important person in my life; therefore, he/she is my first priority?
• Quit trying to control the life of your spouse. He/she is not a pet or a dog or cat to be "trained" to behave in the fashion you deem correct and proper. A healthy marriage is one in which power struggles are absent where dominant/submissive patterns don't exist.
• Quit trying to read your spouse's mind. Assuming, guessing, or prophesying what your spouse is thinking is like relegating them to the status of a crystal ball and you to that of a fortune teller. Conversely, don't expect your spouse to read your mind. Starting your sentence with "I feel, I need, I hope, are all ways to open a healthy conversation.
• Quit trying to make your spouse a verbal (or perhaps a literal) punching bag upon which you can vent your frustrations. If you are unhappy, then you need to learn a healthy method of resolving your problems. Don’t take things out on the one you are supposed to love the most. Your spouse is not a scapegoat.
• Quit assuming your spouse has the same sexual thermostat as you have. Your sexual appetite needs are not to be thrust upon him/her as though they were simply some mindless, emotionless, object designed to satisfy your needs. Physical love in a marriage should be much broader than the act of sexual intercourse.
• Quit looking for "things" to happen that will make you happy in your marriage. A bigger house, a more prestigious job and money, social status and recognition, and even children are not the things necessary for a healthy and happy relationship.
Couples who put each other first, admire and respect one another, who consider their spouse their best friend and treat them accordingly, and who commit to continually nurturing the relationship and keeping it alive are most likely to have a healthy life-long friendship. I hope these suggestions will help you.
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I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
