Adjusting to in laws or new spouse takes time

If you have a child that is getting married this summer then you are preparing to become an in-law. This particular relationship is quite a challenge for many people. Such issues as control, priorities, and lifestyles often begin to emerge early in the relationship between a spouse and his or her in-laws. Since there are usually two sets of in-laws, his and hers, things can get complicated quickly.

• Where will the couple spend their vacations like Thanksgiving and Christmas?

• What patterns of advice giving will develop between the young couple and their in-laws?

• How will customs and traditions be viewed and passed on from the older to the younger generation?

Newlyweds need their in-laws to support but not control. My father-in-law told me right after my wife and I were first married that he would refrain from ever giving me advice and would express an opinion, only if asked. He went on to say that if he did give an opinion, I was free to take it or leave it and no hard feelings would result if I disagreed with him. He was a wealth of wonderful information but I never felt that he was trying to run my life.

In-laws should guard against placing too many demands on their married children when their own lives become less eventful. Early in the marriage a pattern should be developed for how holiday times will be spent and what traditions will be passed on from one generation to the next.

Getting along with in-laws means getting along with members of the extended family. Brothers, sisters, grandparents, and other relatives can be a great source of enjoyment at family gatherings.

Remembering birthdays and anniversaries with a phone call or card shows love and concern and should be extended to new family members after the marriage.

Good in-law relations can be one of the cornerstones of a healthy, happy marriage.