5 components of a healthy, lasting union
Do you have a favorite part of the Sunday newspaper? Some people are drawn first to the comic strip. Others may begin with the sports section while some may go directly to the obituaries.
My wife and I often start with the wedding and fiftieth anniversary notes. There we find those couples who are beginning their journey together as well as the couples who have remained on this journey for half a century.
It is unrealistic to assume to all of these fifty year marriages are happy, healthy marriages but many do contain the elements of a successful relationship.
Research has shown that there are five qualities in a marriage that provide psychological health in the relationship.
• Healthy marriages have a balance of power. Of particular interest is how decisions are made. Does the husband make all of the decisions? Does the wife? Or is it a shared kind of power?
Partners in a healthy marriage are perceived as “best friends” with each partner being equal in power. Obviously, there will be time when the power will shift, but the partners will neither be dominant nor submissive. Neither will they be in constant turmoil and struggle over power and decision-making.
• The second component in a healthy marriage is commitment, defined as putting the spouse at the top of the list of importance in life. In many less-than-healthy relationships, mental health professionals have found that one member of the marital relationship may place work, children, adult parents or other things at a higher priority than their spouse.
• Closeness, a measure of “alikeness”, is found in happy marriages. Happily married couples are described as often being able to read each other’s minds or finish each other’s sentences. Sharing many common interests, friendships and convictions, they often think and feel much the same way about important issues, people and things. Also important is the fact that they are still able to be their own persons and have different interests, opinions, and activities.
• Intimacy, perhaps one of the most interesting and often misunderstood parts of a healthy marriage, does not refer to the sexual relationships, but rather is the ability to share deep feelings, fears, aspirations and thoughts. Marital intimacy in this sense is a rare quality, in part due to what many authorities believe stems from a great deal of difficulty on the part of many men in sharing intimate feelings with anyone.
• Autonomy. This final quality is described as healthy space and independence between the couple. Each individual in the marriage has a healthy sense of who they are aside from the relationship. The ability to maintain balance and stand on one’s feet without relying on their spouse is found to be a component in a healthy relationship.
Hopefully this information will help those couples striving to remain happily married for fifty years.
