Infidelity poses a preventable problem
Infidelity, adultery, philandering, just plain old cheating are all terms describing a problem that contributes to the termination of many marriages today.
Twenty-five years of counseling have given me some insights into why this problem occurs in many marriages. Many individuals believe it is the dissimilarity in sexual appetite between the marriage partners that is the source of the problem. Others feel the difficulty stems from deep-seated disharmony within the relationship. Still others believe it is an attitude, a double standard, passed on from one generation of men to the next that makes most of adultery a reality.
The causes of unfaithfulness within a marital relationship are not easily understood. Several factors have emerged, however, that explain why some marriages are prone to the difficulty in this area.
• Many couples fail to establish a meaningful and open dialogue regarding each partner’s sexual appetites. Instead of talking about problems as they occur, which they inevitably do in many marriages, one or both partners ignore the difficulty with such rationalizations as: “Sex is not the most important aspect of the relationship.” “Problems can be ignored without a lot of risk.” “Maybe I am the only one who thinks a problem exists.” “When the kids get older, our sexual problems will work themselves out.”
• Many marriages become stale and “rutted” when one or both marriage partners lack commitment to the marriage. Commitment within the relationship means that both husband and wife guard against threats to the marriage in the same way they would protect their children from harm, their home from being intruded upon, or their own lives threatened.
• Extramarital relationships often begin slowly, and without premeditation. At the office or in a setting where they see someone on a daily basis, they often begin discussing dissatisfaction in their lives. As the other person listens, seems to care and seems to understand, it’s a short distance to more romantic and intimate feelings.
• To rationalize these new feelings, the individuals begin to perceive their present relationship as less than perfect. Any small rift in their marriage begins to wide and deepen, and the “affair” serves as an escape from the pain and hurt of a dysfunctional marriage.
• New lovers often overlook the fact that he problems that existed in their marriages might extend into a new relationship. Blinded by their infatuation for each other, they rush headlong into a new set of problems fueled by the passion of romance.
• Stress and other difficulties such as lowered self-esteem often cause individuals to seek someone who seems to help them cope better or prop up a sagging self-concept. Individuals feeling a hollowness in the marriage are vulnerable to the advances of others with similar needs and deficits.
I have listened to hundreds of statements when counseling couples where infidelity is part of the picture. Addressing the issue with your spouse, listening to them, guarding against being defensive and seeking professional help if the problem persist, are all essential elements in working toward resolution of the problem.
