Money troubles can affect a couple’s sex life

Troubled economic times can lead to many dysfunctional family patterns, including affecting the sex life of a couple.

This healthy and satisfying part of the relationship during less troubled times often emerges as glaringly unsatisfactory after prolonged economic woes.

As sexual satisfaction and compatibility deteriorates, its importance in the relationship is magnified. One or both marriage partners may say, “Our sex life is terrible and it has never been very good.”

Over the years, however, experience has shown me that this should be translated as “An unsatisfactory sex life has emerged as the dominant and most significant part of our relationship causing us to lose focus of other extremely significant and important aspects of our marriage.”

One of the tasks of the marriage counselor is to help the couple establish the relative importance of the sexual aspects of the marriage, as well as recognize other strengths in the relationship, strengths that may not have been so adversely affected. Being able to view all of the components of the relationship in their proper perspective is difficult for many couples, especially when a lot of stress exists. Stress occurs during difficult economic times.

Counseling helps the couple understand some of the following elements behind the deterioration of the physical and intimate part of the marital relationship.

• Concern over money and finances. Always significant in the highly material culture in which we live, this concern emerges as a problem when jobs are threatened, commissions decrease and financing is difficult to obtain. Changes in the economy may necessitate tough decisions, including a lower standard of living.

For those who have been trying to keep up with the Joneses, a personal attack on one’s competence and self-worth is felt.

Preoccupation with blame, both of one’s self and one’s spouse, leads to many negative feelings. The individual’s integrity is often at stake due to disproportionate concern and preoccupation with economic issues. Scaling down is difficult and irrationally perceived by the individual as a sign of personal failure.

• Accumulation of wealth and material things. This process frequently serves as an aphrodisiac. Self-confidence, including sexual capacity, becomes significantly correlated with financial status. The old saying that money is power seems to mean to these individuals that money, power and sexual potency go together.

• Longer working hours. When the economy drops, individuals tend to work longer, increase their commitment to work or even acquire a second job in an attempt to maintain their lifestyle. The result is fatigue, irrationality, psychological and physical difficulties.

• Communication. Communication patterns, topics of conversation and focus of attention are dominated by talk about economic issues. Arguments, blame and guilt arise and the sexual relationship becomes lost in what the couple perceives as other, more important matters. Their desire to “have it all” often leaves their intimate relationship in a distant last place in their life.

Next week I will discuss possible remedies for the encroachment of financial problems upon the sexual aspects of marriage.