‘Perfect couple’s’ marriage falters

Why people have affairs is an often-asked question, one without simple answers. But it is worth looking into as the problem is widespread, and some believe it is getting worse. Just as there are no easy explanations, there are no easy remedies.

Take the hypothetical case of Bill and Jane, married 15 years. They had two beautiful, healthy children, a nice home, two cars, good jobs and, from all outward appearances, the essentials for marriage survival. They were high school sweethearts; they had dated off and on for several years. Both sets of parents gave their blessings and the consensus of their many friends was that they seemed like the perfectly suited couple.

During the 15 years, their standard of living had crept upward, eventually necessitating they both become wage-earners. Their overinvolvement in community and school and church activities made Bill and Jane often feel like two ships passing in the night. As newlyweds, they often had talked to each other about their feelings, their dreams and even their problems. But in their present full-day schedule, they had not set aside time to be together alone. Boredom and lack of intimacy set in, extending to their sex life. In fact, unknown to either of them, they each felt that “sex is more trouble than it’s worth.”

Bill’s exhaustion and overcommitment in his work led him to begin spending more time with his assistant, who seemed to be understanding and sympathetic, even to the point, he felt, that she could read his mind. She anticipated his every need at work, making life more bearable for him there. Over time, conversations became less work-oriented and more personal. He began to notice how much better he felt after just talking to her. Soon their time together extended to after working hours.

The scenario of Bill and Jane occurs all too frequently. In counseling this couple, what important features need to be considered?

Their priorities. How did things and other people become more important in their relationship? When did their own individual needs supplant their ability to consider those of their spouse? Why did commitment to each other and their marriage become an idealistic dream instead of the foundation of their relationship?

Their objectivity. Why couldn’t they see that their own individual perfectionistic, overachieving styles were driving them toward greater involvement in things outside their marriage? The ability for each of them to say, “No thank you, I have other commitments,” to delegate responsibility, and to maintain a sense of personal identity had gradually disappeared.

Their willingness to change. Are Bill and Jane willing to pay the price? It is going to take time and hard work to restore love, to put the spark back in the marriage and to have a positive regard for each other. Bill and Jane should be willing to consult with their minister or a trained marriage counselor to end the affair and continue the marriage.

Next week I will discuss another hypothetical situation that can result in a sexual relationship outside the marriage.