Foresight could prevent affair

When people have affairs, it appears easy for many laymen to analyze and quickly lay the blame on one or the other of the marital partners. But this generally is shortsighted because the causes may be more complex than that, and the adage “there are two sides to every story” usually holds true.

Let’s take a hypothetical situation to see why problems develop and what preventive measures could have been used.

Susie had devoted her whole existence to rearing her children. During their at-home years, she was always busy, so devoted to them that her world had no meaning outside them. When the last one left home, she felt a terrible void. Her husband, Bob, had become almost totally absorbed in his work, hobbies and friends; so he didn’t realize what was happening to Susie. He was willing to involve her in his life, to try to develop some common interests for the two of them, but Susie did not seem to be interested.

What neither of them realized was that Susie was depressed. The attention she had received from her offspring was gone. When an old flame moved into her small town, the wheels of trouble were set in motion. Susie was vulnerable.

What brought on the affair?

Failure to foresee and accept that change can bring devastating consequences. Susie had little insight into her overinvolvement in her children, a lack of development in the relationship with her husband and the erosion of her own self-esteem.

Her husband did little to help, although he made some effort.

What preventive measures could have saved this marriage?

After Susie saw the children needed less intensive parenting, she could have developed some interests outside the home such as employment, volunteer work, continuing education or any interest that would broaden her life.

Susie and Bill could have made a stronger commitment to enriching their relationship. They had talked about the need for common interests, taking a vacation together, pursuing enrichment opportunities offered through their church or community college.

When Bill began to detect Susie’s dissatisfaction, detachment and eventual depression, he should have insisted on consulting the family physician. Susie’s doctor would have recognized the severity of the problem and suggested remedies.

With renewed interest in life and feeling a need for a different phase of family and married life, Susie would have been less vulnerable to her old flame and an affair.

Next week I will continue discussing why people have affairs.