Midlife restlessness, affair linked

“It takes two to tango” best describes the ripple effect in most people’s lives after an affair has begun. Marital counseling becomes difficult when a third party enters the scene.

Treating a dysfunctional marriage is like treating a very sick person. By comparison, treating a faltering marriage with a third-party involvement is like having to operate on a critically ill patient.

Sometimes one spouse seems to be unable to refrain from having sex outside marriage. Personality characteristics seem to preclude the establishment and maintenance the establishment and maintenance of any long-term meaningful relationship. Individuals with this problem also are frequently “job-hoppers” or don’t have close friends. They seem to have relationships that benefit only themselves without giving or having any reciprocal commitment. Affairs for them are usually short-term and are a conquest. After they perceive that they have conquered another mountain, they move on to new heights.

Another situation that marital counselors see fairly often is that of a middle-aged man attempting to make the transition from young adulthood to those years beyond midlife. During this period, the man sees a decline in some physical capabilities including those of a sexual nature.

Consider Jack, a 45-year-old who has been married for 25 years. From all outward appearances he should be grateful for everything he has, including his three grown children. But unknown to his wife or close friends, Jack feel he is having one of the greatest struggles of his life. His emotions run the gamut from exhilaration to the depths of depression. He often feels confused about what he wants from the future. At times, he fantasizes about escaping from his job, his family, his friends all the things he has worked for during the last quarter-century. Boredom, chronic fatigue and even difficulty concentrating are typical of the negative components of his daily existence.

On the surface Jack seeks change – no matter how drastic it might be – to make him feel like he did 10 years ago. He increases his use of alcohol, increases his intake of foods and experiences sleep difficulties. His depression is undetected by his family, and he feels depleted physically, spiritually and psychologically.

At the point of desperation and fear he meets Jessica on one of his business calls. His confusion only intensifies as she makes him feel younger and happier. She laughs at all his old jokes and tells him things he yearns to hear. It all seems so harmless, a diversion, a pleasant escape. Soon Jessica becomes another extremely potent escape for him.

It might seem obvious in Jack’s case that he needed help in understanding and preparing for the transition past midlife. But all affairs can’t be analyzed by a single explanation; usually there are many complex feelings. Such was probably the case with Jack, but counseling with a trusted friend, a minister or a marriage counselor would have provided an objective viewpoint and helped Jack solve his fears of life beyond young adulthood.