Some ways to try to repair a marriage

Many of the letters that I receive from readers of this column contain elements of the following scenario:

A man in his late 30's comes home from work one day and announces to his wife that he is moving out. She feels bewildered and confused and asks if he is leaving because of another woman. He denies this as the reason for his departure but, later admits that he is "involved" with someone and wants time and space to sort out his feelings. His wife begs him to stay at home and pursue marriage counseling with her, but he insists that he needs time to himself to think things over. Totally stunned, she asks him to tell her his reasons for unhappiness, to reveal what led to this catastrophe. He states that he has been unhappy for a long time, but has only recently decided that he needed to make a change. Finally, after prolonged begging and pleading, he tells her that he feels as though he is living with a stranger who neither cares for him nor understands him.

Unfortunately, this crisis occurs all too frequently in the lives of many couples. It isn't always the man who makes the decision. The roles can be reversed, and she will be the one asking him to move out. Her dissatisfaction with the marriage is frequently observed by counselors as this problem is not gender based.

The rate of divorce in this county is about fifty percent and a growing body of evidence indicates that the break-up of the family unit is correlated with crime, drug abuse, poverty, and other social problems.

Here are some suggestions for individuals involved in this kind of dilemma:

• Try not to panic. A cool head increases that likelihood that impulsive, poorly thought out decisions can be avoided. As in any crisis, a rational approach is much preferred over one which involves primarily emotional discharge. Either partner should avoid making statements or accusations that may be regretted at a later time as they are difficult to retract.

• Seek counseling even if only one party is willing to do so. By obtaining an outside, objective opinion and assessment of the situation, one can often help develop a strategy to encourage the other marital partner to join in the counseling process. Even if this does not occur, support in the face of this kind of threat is needed. Friends and family can certainly be helpful, but a professional perspective is very useful.

• Don't jump to too many conclusions about what might be happening or what might have already transpired between your spouse and someone else. Although separation can certainly be very traumatic, it may be preferred when taking some of the "pressure" out of the relationship is desired. Sometimes temporarily space and distance is needed.

• Complicated psychological explanations are often at the basis of marital disharmony. Depression, stress, or unresolved conflicts from the past are all examples of things that can be a part of the difficulties encountered in this mid-life crisis. A renewed commitment to staying together might be the solution and a better understanding of each partner's needs. A search for shared interests and activities could result in the discovery that there were many areas of compatibility. Couples who look for areas of strengths rather than weaknesses can usually find a common ground. I will be returning to this topic in the near future.